"The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich

Lately, I've been struggling to pray. I've not been struggling to find time to pray, nor have I experienced a lack of things to pray for; but, its been difficult for me to actually find the words to accurately represent what I am feeling or seemed pointless to tell God something He is already smack in the middle of.

Part of the time, it feels like my heart is too full to pray. It feels like a dam that has so much water pressing up against it, that if a little leaks out- it will all break free, rushing out of control. And part of the time, it feels pointless to pray when I really have nothing to say.

I reached a moment of clarity this weekend however. I was simply sitting around talking with friends and realized that with people, I spend most of my time listening. I feel like one of my strengths is giving people a safe place to talk. I often listen more than I speak in life.

And then I realized- how little I purposefully listen to God. When I pray, I sit down and feel like I must keep the conversation going. I almost have been making it awkward and forced. I wonder, how different would my prayers be if I spent the majority of the time listening?

Would I hear God's voice? Would He share the answers to all the questions I'm afraid to ask?

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Matthew 16.25-26

This verse has been haunting me lately. Following me around. Literally, stalking me. I wake up at night thinking about it. I read it over and over at my desk each day. And I have been wondering why? Why is this verse hitting so close to home at this particular time?

I recently read Stephanie Meyer's new book "The Host". Its an excellent read, alien body snatching aside. It has some deep and profound theology buried in midst of the fictional story. The book is about aliens who come to earth and live in human "hosts." The aliens are the mental and emotional part to the human physical body. However, one particular alien gets put in a host body where the soul/mind of the human is so strong, she refuses to leave her body.

Now of course its totally fictional, but the book brings up an interesting point. How strong is your soul? Who are you really? What would it take for you to lose your soul? (I don't mean soul in the 'eternal life' context, I mean soul as in the spirit of who you are as a person.)

I find it interesting that the verse from Matthew haunts me as I am reading this book. Because, more often than not lately, I feel as if I've misplaced my soul. I occasionally find it hard to remember how to be me.

At my best, I am cheerful, playful, and carefree. An eternal optimist. Someone who laughs easily and could be found blowing bubbles in the park for no reason at all. Someone who readily enjoys life and takes great pleasure in the littlest things. I used to be good at remembering that I was a human BEING not a human DOING.

At my worst, I am none of the above. And lately, I think I've been at my worst. I've been too serious and forgotten how to laugh and play. I've been too busy DOING that I've forgotten simply to BE.

No job, no relationship, no degree, no project, NOTHING is so important that I should forgo WHO I am at my core. What good is it to gain the entire world, but lose Kelly?

This Lenten season has provided some time for me to sit down and figure out where I went wrong. When I allowed the aliens of BUSYNESS and PRODUCTIVITY to hijack my body. And allow me time and space to figure out how to let Kelly out again.

Somehow, I think this is where losing my life to gain it will come it. I will have to give things up, to get back what I've lost.

But is that not what Lent is about? Trading one thing for another?
Trading sickness for healing?
Trading fear for faith?
Trading isolation for community?
Trading worry for peace?
Trading DOING for BEING?

I find that at this time of Easter, its refreshing to realize that God loves ME. Loves KELLY. Loves Kelly apart from what she does, how much she accomplishes. And He values the sunshiney soul He created in her. And that He is teaching her that it profits her nothing to gain the world if she is losing her soul.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize Him.

-Pearl Bailey