One of the worst feelings in the world is seeing an old friend and experiencing the awkward silence that happnes when you realize that you have nothing to say to someone who you once used to spend hours in conversation with...

Very similar to that is the sensation when feel yourself growing farther and farther away from yourself....

Lately, I seem to be waking up every day and finding that I am just a little bit more of a stranger to who I used to be... I think maybe the changes have been happening gradually like summer turning to autumn, and I am just now noticing the things that are different. And its pretty disorienting.

I used to be convinced and feel determined that ministry is where I am supposed to be... now I'm not so sure. I mean- I still think that above all else I'm called to walk with people through life and stand by and before people during difficult times- but I'm not sure if the position or location is right anymore. Its stopped giving me energy, challenging me, forcing me to grow. I just am in this place- and I don't think that's good. It's not a comfortable feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job. I love the people, I love my kids. I love my family I have here at the church- but something is missing. Something vital and lifegiving is missing. I don't feel as creative. I don't feel inspired. I don't feel like I'm being excellent at much of anything. I'm getting the job done- I'm being productive, I'm being efficient, I'm doing all the things I need to do- but it seems empty.

Sometimes I have so many things going that I can't be totally present at all of them- but at the end of the day- it feels like I've accomplished nothing.

I'm wondering what is changing? The situation, the location, the people are the same.... so I guess that leaves me. But where does that leave me?

I've been really struggling with this.... partly I think its boredom. I've gone from working fulltime and schooling fulltime to simply working.... and let's be honest- I'm overproductive so that I run out of work by Wednesday... and that's not good, but it is what it is.

Should I go back to school? Well I can, but eventually I'll be done with that...then what?

Part of me is terribly afraid that somewhere along the way I've taken a wrong path. I've misheard my calling. I've triend to put myself in a box because someone thought I was a good fit for it.

And I don't know how to get out of this.

I know that I have to be serving and loving people. That is what I'm good at. But how? In what areana? In what aspect?

I need discernment. I need guidence. But most of all, I need to figure out me.

Though- I have a funny feeling that as soon as I get to know me- I'll just become someone else again. Maybe that's part of the point- the core, the heart of who we are always remains- but the details, the finetuning- they are always evolving, always changing, always growing....

I know this isn't a terribly uplifting or insightful post....but its where I'm at. And where ever you go, there you are.