The Not-So-Sweet Spot

I've always been a big planner. A plotter. Someone who maps out her trip before she leaves. I firmly believe in maps, itineraries, schedules, and procedures. And I admit, sometimes I get slightly bent out of shape when things don't happen as I planned for them to.

I had a plan for my life. And in no way did it include living alone in a cabin several miles out of civilization working at a tiny church in rural Tennessee as a youth minister several hours from home. But yet, here I am. Despite all my planning, dreaming, plotting- I've ended up here.

And for awhile, I've kind of been kicking and screaming about it. Subltly, but still kicking and screaming. My discomfort with my current place in life has been sitting under the surface of me, bubbling, yet under control. For the most part, I've kept the fact that I'm not at all where I wanted to be pretty quiet. Sometimes if things make me mad enough, I let it spill over into my attitude and I am openly dissatified.

Its not that my life is horrible. In fact, my life is pretty incredible. I recognize the reality of the fact that I am insanely blessed. I have more than most people could dream about. I have family who loves me, probably the best and most supportive friends anyone could find, and a job that I really do enjoy.

However, its just not the life I wanted. Its a life I've ended up with. And while there is always joy and goodness in life, I know that this is not how life is supposed to be. In fact, I've experienced what I call the "sweet spot." The place in life where its just so good and you feel as if you are exactly what you are supposed to be. And I recognize because I've been there, that I'm not in that place any longer. I feel like I'm sitting at a really long red light.

I don't know if its job, geography, personal life, or just the fact that I'm disgruntled at the fact God pretty much threw my roadmap for life out the window without consulting me, but I'm in a not-so-sweet spot.

But after lots of blatant kicking and screaming and several attempts at escaping, I'm finding that I'm stuck in the not-so-sweet-spot. For some reason, I'm meant to be here in this moment. And despite my best efforts, I can't leave this place and time.

And maybe its so that I will have a better appreciation for life when I finally hit the sweet spot. Or maybe its God trying to teach me, that I make the spot sweet no matter what the situation is. Or maybe, I'm just at that last place of learning before I get released to what is next. Or maybe its a lesson I need to learn about planning (about how you shouldn't because it never works out just like you expect).

Whatever it is, I'm going to try and appreciate this place. I'm going to remember that while its not so sweet, its still pretty sweet. And that, its never too late to stop and change directions.

I no longer know what I'm trying to say- maybe just that I recognize that I'm not where I expected to be and maybe that's for the better. But I also don't know exactly where I'll end up or when I'll get there, but I do have faith that it will be a place infinitely better than I could have ended up left to my own plans and directions.

I guess I'm just waiting for a green light. A turn signal. Something.