"Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible.

God and devil are fighting there,

and the battlefield is the heart of man. “

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

I woke up this morning and went to sit on the porch...

and my front yard looked something like this:

That's right. Turkeys. In my front yard.

Now I know I live in the country.

"We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4.19

There are relationships in my life that I deeply struggle to find peace with. These are relationships that feel fairly one-sided at times, or like I'm the only person striving to make them work. There is one imparticular that has always been a fairly deep wound for me. Its a relationship that I have poured love and effort into and the love seemed to just go into an open drain-it seemed that my love had no effect on that person.

I gave it years, thinking that maybe that person needed to see how love was supposed to work. And that if I kept on loving, then maybe they would start to mimic it back to me. However this wasn't the case.

Now just to clarify- I'm not talking about romantic relationships here. Just a relationship with someone who is essential in my life.

The past year I've especially struggled, as I've watched the person who was seemily uncapable of loving me well, choose to love another and that person's family. So I wondered- was the problem me? Was I unlovable? Or did that person just not want to put forth the effort to love me?

This has been something that has been eating away at me. A source of great pain and confusion. I started wondering if I really should just cut this person out of my life. Just cut the ties that seemed to be choking me. But I really hate that idea...

But somewhere in the past few weeks, I think I've found my answer.

I cannot control if people love me or not. No matter what I do I cannot make someone love me more or actively show their love to me. I cannot force anyone to act more lovingly or even feel love towards me. I can't control other's actions, feelings, or emotions.

BUT- what I can control is how and who I choose to love. That is it. I can only control me. (Now, I know this is elementary- but really how many of us have tried to control other people before?)

So my choice is to control what I can control- how I love this person. And when looking at my options, I saw that I had two: A- to keep on loving this person regardless of their response or B. to stop showing love to this person because of their lack of love.

I choose option A. Not because I'm a good person or feel that someday this person will wake up and magically make up for all the years of hurt. But because- its what Jesus chooses to do for me every single day of my life.

Every day I hurt Jesus. I don't love HIm with my whole heart. I ignore Him. I pretend I don't hear His voice. And still- He relentelssly loves and pursues me. He chooses everyday to love the unlovable and ungrateful me.

And it's because of His love, I have the strength to love the people who hurt me everyday. I can love, because God first loves me.

So that is my choice- I choose to be like Jesus. Because, as long as I choose to love (regardless if that love is returned) I get to be like Him. And Love (who is Him) always wins in the end.

One man is not better than another because

he is a lawyer while the other is a painter.

A life is measured by how it is lived

for the sake of heaven.

-Chaim Potok