Most of the time, when I exercise, I enjoy heart-pounding, music blaring, sweat-producing, butt-kicking, adrenaline pumping kinds of work outs. Kick boxing, if I have to be indoors, or cycling, if the weathers warm enough to be outdoors. I enjoy having to work so hard that I don't have the mental capacity to think.

I'm not really a yoga, ballet, or long walks type girl if I have my druthers. However, occasionally the situation will war rent where I have to turn to one of these venues in order to get my workout. I mean I could kick box with loud music when I'm snowed into a house with four other people, but its time like those when yoga seems to be the quieter, community friendly choice.

I'm often surprised at how calm I feel after yoga or a walk. How good I actually do feel after a quieter, less demanding workout. That even though there isn't music blaring or I'm not struggling to breathe, there is a certain relaxing quality about just being in the quiet moment. I forget how often releasing stillness is.

I felt (and still do to some extent) incredibly unsettled tonight. I just couldn't get comfortable or satisfied. Was going a little stir crazy. So I threw on the yoga video and did a relaxation series. The final set of the series was simply laying down on my back with limbs extended out and counting breaths. And for some reason tonight, that has left me relaxed. And a bit more settled and content.

I forget to take time to be still. I forget to take time to breath. I forget how relaxing and restful and settling simply "being" can be.

And since today, for all intents and purposes, is my Sabbath, I guess that was a good reminder for me. That we all need the quiet spaces. The quiets. The rest. The moments that simply let us be and recharge to live again.

How often do we forget simply to breathe? How often do we get caught up so much in life that we forget to take even a few moments just to rest? To be? To do nothing beyond convert oxygen? Maybe we'd all be a little better off if we worked more moments like these into our cramped, hectic, loud lives.

I'm angry.

Literally. I'm at the seeing-red, want-to-punch-someone-in-their-face, irrational point of anger.

And this is really rare for me. I'm not an angry person. I very rarely feel rage or want to hurt anyone.

But tonight, I'm just there. And since its a foreign and uncomfortable emotion for me, I'm struggling to know what to do with it.

I know the song says "carry everything to God in prayer". But I wonder. Can He really handle my anger? Can I really approach Him with it? Aren't you supposed to get rid of all the "bad" emotions, like anger, greed, jealously, lust, etc, before you approach God?

But all I can find myself doing is giving my anger to God and asking Him what to do with it? Talking to him with all my rage and tension and looking Him dead in the eye and asking if He can handle it?

And the funny thing is that this might be the most authentic prayer I've prayed in a long time. This might be the most pure moment of communion with God that I've had in awhile. Because the key ingredient in prayer is honesty. And if you try to come before God and lie, cover up, or hide where you are at- then that's not prayer. That's not true communion with God.

So tonight, I'm being real. I'm being honest. I'm praying.

And I know I'm praying to a God who is big enough and strong enough and awesome enough to handle any and all emotions I have. The good ones and the not so good ones.

roll those credits

If my life were a movie (and let's face it- it stands a pretty decent shot at becoming a made for TV movie one of these days), I would be at the point in the movie right before the big climax. I'd be at the point of the movie where things seem the worst. Where hope was the lowest. The point where evil seemed to be winning over good and the good guys look like they just might get defeated.

If my life were a movie, we'd be at the point where everyone in the audience has a sick pit of fear in their stomachs because they aren't entirely sure that there is a happy ending to be had.

BUT the thing is- is that right after THAT point in the movie- the awful point- comes the big break. Its guaranteed. That right after the moment where the rain is falling, comes the moment where the clouds break and the sun reappears. That always following the place where the good guys get defeated, get broken, get disheartened- immediately after comes the point where they find courage to try again, to rebuild, to renew their hope. There is always a shift, a change, a break and good always comes out on top in the end.

And this is what I've got to remember. That even if I am in the moment where evil seems to be prevailing, that it is JUST A MOMENT. That soon, things wills shift and realign and good will come out again as the victor. Because good always wins. I've just got to hold onto the hope. I've got to keep my faith. I've got to tell myself that even when everything else seems to the contrary, that happy endings happen and good prevails over evil and light will always dissipate the dark.

So if my life were a movie, this would be the moment where someone would make an inspirational speech or have a good cry or just experience an attitude adjustment. So don't turn the movie off just yet in despair, let's see what comes next.

More often than not, the moments that matter are cleverly disguised as everyday, normal moments. Usually, the times when miracles occur are at 10am on a Tuesday morning when everything is as ordinary as it can be. Always do the usual things end up meaning more when you no longer have them.

The moments, the spaces in time, I'll miss most are the ordinary stuff. The usual. The non spectacular moments. Because if the most blase of moments can be special, then you know you are experiencing something wonderful indeed.

I wish that occasionally I could just freeze time. That I could pull the "time out" like Zach off of "Saved by the Bell" and capture those moments forever. Moments spent riding to school, cooking dinner, drinking coffee, singing the Hymn of Invitation, hugging the same person as you always do. The things that you do a million times over and never think twice about mean more when you realize that you no longer have them.

How do you store up these meaningful moments? How do you take time to recognize them for the miracles they are amidst the normal everyday? How to do you honor them for the unique meaning they give to our lives?

I guess what makes them special is the recognition of them. The essence that is so beautiful that there is no way to bottle it, to save it, to keep it for a rainy day. I guess the beauty is in ordinary and in the everyday. The beauty is in its inability to be saved or stored or stopped.

The thing is- how amazing is it that they are people who matter so much they can make the most blase, unspecial, ordinary, boring times absolutely incredible, irreplaceable, and miraculous?

I have a series of books that I use for the times when I suffer from writer's block. They are called the "If" books. I have "If", "If2", "If-questions for the soul", and "If- how far will you go".

Probably my favorite one of these to work from is the "How far will you go" one. Because this book makes you set boundaries. It makes you mark the areas of back and white. It refuses to let you seek comfort in the shades of gray. It asks you for absolutes.

I think that it, occasionally, is good for us to be forced to set our boundaries. Most of us bank on the experience of the shades of gray. We depend on people allowing us to float back and forth between the black and white depending upon our current mood/situation/community. But sometimes, its good for us to sit back and really consider what we believe and what we are wiling to do at the honest gut level.

I think that defining my boundaries is especially good for me. Because usually, I have a hard time being absolutely honest. I'm one of those people who are entirely comfortable letting everyone else lay all their cards on the table, without ever sharing my hand. And I don't mean to be like this. I don't mean to hold back. I don't mean to be less than honest or less than forthcoming. It's that I'm afraid.

There I said it. I'm afraid to really say what I think, I feel, I believe. I'm afraid to show people my boundaries. My black and my white. What if they dissaprove? What if they reject it? Make fun of it?

I try to look back and figure out when I became of afraid of being completely honest. Of putting myself out there. I think, on some level at least, I've always been kind of a people pleaser. A kid who has always been afraid of disappointing, letting people down, or of not being perfect.

But you know what, I'm human. I'm not perfect. I'm going to say/do/believe things that people disagree with. That other people will want me to do otherwise. And I think I'm finally learning that that is ok. That its alright to not have everyone agree with me. To approve of my choices. To think my decisions are the right ones.

Because in the end, I'm the only person who has to live my life. I'm the only person who has to spend time in my head and in my heart. I'm the only person who can make my choices, live my life, and define my boundaries. And I'm the only one who needs to find peace with them.

You fail to recognize that it

matters not what someone is born,

but what they grow to be.

-Dumbledore, Harry Potter

Top 5- Smart "alec" reasons I'm going to start giving people for changing jobs

I'm in the midst of a major life change and the reasons are so complicated and kind of weird that I can't really sum them up in a sentence. So it really throws me for a loop when people ask "Why?" and I stand there and drool with no concise answer to offer people.

So my friend Joey and myself brainstormed the other night over burritos for excuses I coud give and we came up with five to rotate:

1. I'm joining the cast of Glee and filming starts in February.
2. I'm joining the circus.
3. Now that Lane Kiffin is leaving Knoxville, its safe for me to go back to East TN.
4. I'm entering into witness protection.
5. Just tell them: "That's classified."

Each one is ridiculous enough that when I offer these, it will create enough of pause in the conversation for me to make a not so graceful escape and thus avoid all this awkwardness.

Sucks when you can't really explain the truth.

"She walked away... wouldn't say why she was leaving.

She walked away...she left all she had believed in...

She walked away"

-Barlow Girl

I so think that, in some instances, leaving takes more courage than staying. Not in every situation, but occasionally it takes more guts to walk towards the door than to remain in the place that you've been.

Sometimes there is not really a concise, definitive reason to leave, you just know that you have to go. That even if leaving is the wrong choice, staying isn't the right choice either.

Walking away, especially when you aren't sure if you want to, requires courage. Requires faith. Putting miles in between you and the life you have known is never easy. Creating space, distance, and time between what life will be and what life is now is a process that is not usually comfortable.

Leaving can be the right thing to do overall, but is still allowed to hurt. Just because you are the one changing things, or leaving, doesn't mean that you don't have the right to hurt as well.

Even if you are sure that walking away or making the change is the absolute best choice, there can still be parts of the process that break your heart. You can grieve the loss of what you are willingly walking away from.

Even when you choose to walk away, you are still allowed to hurt.

Because sometimes, even the best option is going to hurt.

Top Five

Top Five- Little Things that I've Rediscovered in Life this Week

1. Hot chocolate with marshmellows
2. Catch phrase
3. Lazy Saturday mornings
4. Cooking dinner from scratch
5. Curling up with a good book

Its really the little things that refresh and comfort

adios, au revior, ciao- however you word it, still hurts like hell

Occasionally we get to the see the end as it approaches.

Sometimes, life gives us forewarning for when a conclusion is heading our way. The finale doesn’t take us by surprise every time.

Every now and then, the ending isn’t unexpected and it is something we can prepare for.

And we talk about how hard surprise goodbyes and sudden endings are, but I think there is something to be said for them. Occasionally, I find it easier to deal with and grieve goodbyes when I don’t see them coming and can’t prepare for them. Because then, I have separate, uncluttered grief and I’m working through a situation that is already happened and is past.

If we see endings, if we know they are looming ahead of us, then this sometimes can be a hard way to say goodbye. If we know they are approaching, if we can mark the days off the calendar, if we are able to hear the clock tick our time towards the final scene then occasionally that s harder to live with than a quick tragic ending.

For, how do you really prepare to say goodbye? How do you learn to navigate the ending of something? How do you get ready for something to cease, to stop being? Is there any way to prepare for that? How do you ready your heart to be broken? How do you continue to move forward day after day, knowing that each day moves you closer to being shattered into a million little pieces?

Goodbyes, endings- they are unnatural; especially, between people. When we love, we love people thinking that we will love them forever. We believe that we will be part of each other forever and we throw ourselves into those relationships and communities fearlessly and hold nothing back. We work day after day to make the bonds stronger, to make the relationship better, to worm our way into each other’s hearts more solidly. Until one day, when we realize that we have to say goodbye.

That what was, must come to an end. And it’s not an end that happens to us, but an end that we choose to inflict upon ourselves. And it hurts. And it’s hard. We watch ourselves walk toward broken hearts and shattered relationships. We put move (usually feels as if we move through mud) towards the goodbye. Towards the finale scene in whatever act we are starring in. We are choosing to say goodbye even while knowing it’s going to hurt like hell. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t right.

Endings as unnatural as they seem, are an unavoidable part of life.

Deaths, goodbyes, divorces, broken relationships, lost jobs, moves made, graduations. They all are endings.

They are all the conclusions to some thing, some relationship, some part of our lives that must change or cease to be or must be in a different way.

And even when there is joy involved, there is always some loss involved too.

It’s hard to say goodbye. It’s practically impossible to prepare yourself for it. Even with your best efforts and best intentions, it will still be painful when the time comes to actually say goodbye. Your heart will still be in your throat when you stare the exit sign in the face knowing you must now walk through the door you’ve been anticipating for months.
But there is one thing about endings. Without them, we would never have the opportunity for new beginnings.

"There will come a time when

everything feels like it is finished.

That will be the beginning."

-Louis L'Amour

playing catchup

Ok so I've missed two Sundays of top 5... so now we are going to catch them up

Top 5- Places I love to be in Nashville

1. Front steps of my church whenever the sun is setting- beautiful and peaceful
2. Living room of Tyne House at about 3 am talking with good friends about everything and nothing
3. The Big Bang- with the girls, singing songs we don't know the words too way too loudly
4. the classroom of CYMT
5. Nashville Convention Center- just a place where I've been every year since middle school for conventions and it just always gives a great little wave of nostalgia

Top 5- Places I love to be in Crossville

1. Saturday morning at the Cracker Barrell
2. Chelsea's front porch
3. Driving around back roads with the girls
4. Couch in the living room with my sisters
5. My thinking spot (swings at Rec park)

Its often said that "home is where your story begins..."

How very true that is. That where we all get our starts.

That where the original chapters of our story are written.

Whether they be good chapters or bad chapters,

our homes serve as the background and the settings.

Then we grow up, and most of us leave home.

We pursue new narratives and travel down different story lines.

We chase dreams, goals, ambitions, and create volumes of our story

set in entirely different locations.

We write and rewrite the passages of our lives.

We continually create and recreate the main character (ourselves).

We constantly change the supporting roles in our stories as our communities shift around us.

And occasionally, we forget how we started out. Who we were in the beginning of the story.

We lose sight of the story we originally meant to write.

And that's not necessarily bad.

Its ok to end up realizing that your story is going to look a little different than you had outlined.

But occasionally, we get "writer's block" in life.
We get lost or forget how to move ahead in our story.
We are unable to continue in our present narrative and are helpless to know how to change it.

And when this happens, I find it helpful to go back home. To go back to the very beginning, which really is 'a very good place to start.'

Because by going back to the beginning, you can see where you have been.

How you have changed. For good or for worse.

You can really consider what you have done and what you want to do.

Home is where our story begins. And begins over and over again.

Nothing puts your story in perspective like traveling back to its origins.

Home is where your story begins.

But, in part, I'm very thankful that our stories take us away from home.

Because then we wouldn't be able to appreciate the beauty of being able to return.

The wonder of being able to go back home.

To find yourself, once again, at the beginning.

I've taken a break from blogging over the holidays.
I've been spending time with the people I love.
I've been going to visit the places that make me feel like myself.
I've been doing the things that help me see myself a little more clearly.

And at the end of this wonderfully, long, lazy, amazing holiday break I'm left pondering this thought.

To pursue new adventures, you always have to leave old ones. To say yes to something, there is always something you are saying no to. There always will be choices, and they will never really be clear cut. The uncertainty is part of the fun, but also the part that invovles the risk.

Choice always will involve courage. Faith. Hope.

Knowing that if you want to change your life, if you want something different than what you have- you alone hold the power to act and produce that change.

And at the end of the day, you have to do what makes sense for you and produces peace in your heart, whether or not anyone else in the world understands or approves.

To be able to say yes, you must always have to be willing to say no.