Christmas is not a time or a season
but a state of mind.
To cherish peace and good will,
to be plenteous in mercy,
is to have the real spirit of Christmas.
If we think on these things,
there will be born in us a Savior
and over us will shine a star
sending its gleam of hope to the world."

~ Calvin Coolidge

NYWC, Part Deux

Ok, the processing continues.


This year at the National Youth Workers Convention, there seemed to be a slight political overtone. Maybe political isn't the word- but there was a definite overtone.

For the most part (Disclaimer- notice I didn't say ALL) , the general sessions focused on what we are doing wrong as a church or the places where we weren't doing enough. Some of the people giving talks seemed angry almost. I'm not sure where the anger originated or maybe if it was frustration just being played out as anger- but the overall tone translated to me as if I was a disappointment.

Now I know they weren't talking to me personally, or anything. But as they were addressing us as youth ministers and people who are the church, it felt kind of personal.

Most of the anger or the frustration I felt came out when specifically people were speaking of the economy or financial security.

Speakers were talking about giving away our retirements so as not to support the current system, or about how to cancel health insurance and give that money away. Now these are interesting ideas and I'm sure in some situations that individuals do both of these things to glorify God, but I think that maybe that even in the Church world that we've become so focused on money- On who has it and who doesn't, the lack of it and the surplus of it- that maybe we are missing the real point.

I want to clarify and say- YES! I think that there are serious problems with our financial situations, economies, and stewardship of the aforementioned. HOWEVER, I don't think me ignoring the fact that I should actually save for retirement is the answer.

I think that we've become so narrow minded as we focus on the "poor." Every time I've heard the term "poor" used in the past year, its been around what I can do financially to help people. YES this is a good thing, and YES I think Jesus wants us to all live in a world where kids don't die of hunger and people are freezing to death.

But I also think that we've taken the concept of who the "poor" are and gotten tunnel vision where this term is concerned.

I think that there are many ways to be poor.
Poor as in financially, yes.
But there is also, poor in spirit.
Poor in heart. Being poor in emotions. Poor in community. Poor in fellowship.

Money isn't the only thing people are lacking. Food isn't the only thing people are starving for lack of.

And not once during the conference, did I hear people address how we can best help people whose hearts are starving for love, even if their stomachs are full. Not once did I hear how we can help people properly grieve during a time where families are broken everyday. Not once did I hear the importance of encouraging someone who is poor in spirit, at the end of their rope, and ready to give up.

And I think that's where I'm frustrated. Do I hurt at the thought of anyone going to bed hungry and cold? Of course. But it also grieves me to know that there are people who are starving for affection. Hungry for someone simply to care. People who have food and cloths and health insurance, but don't have a clue about what Real Love is....or Who Real Love is.

I think that Jesus would be ashamed at our tunnel vision. Ashamed that we are only reaching out to a section of the poor.

Do I feel called to sell my car and give up health insurance and donate that money to charity? No. Not especially. I feel like I do need to do more for the physically poor, but I am doing something.

But do I feel called to do all that I can for those who are starving for love? those who are starving for a new idea of what family is? Do I feel called to people who may materially have it all, but emotionally and spiritually have nothing?

yes. That is the place I'm called to.

And I think the NYWC convention made me feel belittled or less, because my calling isn't so specifically to address the physical hunger.

But my calling is not less. Its just different.

Each is a vital part of what the CHURCH should look like.

For some are arms, some are legs, some are eyes, others ears.... Each plays a different part, but each is a necessary role for the entire body to work.

NYWC- processing part 1

So I've finally found time to sit down and start processing my experience at the National Youth Workers Convention here in Nashville a couple weeks ago. It was a great, much needed experience for several reasons- non of which actually have much to do with the workshops, or general sessions, or any of the nuts and bolts learning that I usually take so much from.

This year the NYWC provided me with three things my soul has been starving for:


The first, is the chance to actually worship. To openly worship in a worship service that I didn't plan, was not responsible for facilitating, and basically had nothing to lose in worshipping the way I pleased. I could sing if I wanted to sing, or just soak in the experience as it hit me. I realized at NYWC that I am missing this in my life. Week after week, I facilitate worship and lead worship but I never get to simply experience worship like that myslef. And that is one of the things that sends healing to my soul most directly.

The second thing, is that an opportunity presented itself at YS to sit down and be brutally honest about how I've been feeling, what I've been struggling with, and questions I'm wrestling through with a mentor and teacher. I can't describe how amazing it feels to have the burden of carrying around these worries and questions and not be able to quite share the entire story with any one person. I realized at YS, that there are people I share bits and pieces of stuff with, but there are very very few people who I actually feel safe enough to give the whole story to. Needless to say, the long talks and discussions that this teacher engaged in with me provided me with much needed sanctuary for my feelings and worries, as well as objective wisdom and perspective on the situation.

The third things, (which ties in closely with the above) was that NYWC provided me with community of peers. Now- I have friends and community- but most of my surronding community through no fault of their own are in quite different life situations. Some are married, some have children, some are gay/lesbian, some are retired, etc. Now all of these people who are in different life situations are extremely important to me and I value their relationships highly, but there is something to be said with sitting down with another twenty something year old straight single person who works at a church and just being able to enjoy that community. I love my friends dearly (some of which I'm afraid might be hurt by this last part of my post, but that is not my intention. I'm just trying to be honest). But I guess I'm realizing that I need some community in more similar life situations- that this might help ease the feelings of lonliness and isolation I've been struggling with.

So what have I processed so far? That apparently three of the missing things in my life are worship, sanctuary, and community. Sounds like I'm in need of a church. Which is quite ironic. All things considering.

More to process, more to come.

What love looks like...

The amazing, adorable, cute little face that you see here is my baby sister. She is 7 years younger than me and absolutely one of my greatest joys in life. She inspires me daily with her absolute determination to be the best that she can be. She frustrates me constantly with her stubborness that she knows best about everything (wonder where she got that?). She literally can make me laugh until I cry with her dry sense of humor. She humbles me with the way that she loves and cares about me, and others. She makes me worry with the way I sometimes hear myself come out of her mouth. She is probably more like me than I am comfortable with, but at the same time, she has a magic and beauty that is all her own. I am probably way too protective of her, but I don't care. I love how she knows by the look on my face when a week has been too hard or there's a situation that I just can't let go of and she'll come and crawl in my lap like she did when she was three and just cuddle. I marvel at how we'll show up at the same family function coming from two different cities wearing the same earings. It slays me when her tender heart is broken because of how open and loving it is and yet I can't ask her to change that part of her. I think its awesome how she knows I steal almost all of her socks when I am home because I forget to pack my own and yet never complains to me. She worries me at how much the weight of other people's opinions sit with her because she is so uncertain of her own, but I know she will grow into her confidence. I am so proud of her ability to sit down at the piano or run on a soccer field and play her heart out at both equally. Of all the things about her that I love, the one thing that I probably value and treasure about our relationship the most is the fact that she consistently pushes and challenges me to be the absolute best person I can be because she is watching and learning and imitating. And because she knows me better than alsmost anyone in the world- with her, I have to be absolutely and achingly authentic and real and vunerable. Because that is what love is. Its being able to absolutely real and raw and true to who you really are with another person and allowing other people to be the same with you.

"And it will change in time, and we'll feel more alive....."

I'm sitting in Panera listening to some tunes and working on some stuff.... you know- taking advantage of wireless while I'm in a place that has it.... and to my left is a table full of (what I assume) are freshmen in college who have gotten together with old friends and an old coach (apparently they all used to wrestle... I've learned alot tonight) and they are talking about school, and their hopes and dreams, etc... you know all the typical 19 year old ideas...

And its so funny, because I remember having these conversations with my friends at the start (and the middle and the end) of college. You meet and tell each other what's been happening and what you plan on happening. You lay out your life plan and you are so confident that everything will happen just like that....that everything will end up nice and neat. That you are at point a and you can see point b which will lead to point c.....you get my drift.

Part of me wants so badly to go over there and let them know that life doesn't happen like that. Tell them that you can't draw a map of where you are going and what you are doing- because inevitably, things will change. Problems will arise. Detours will happen. I want to let them know to not hold too tightly to their plans, because that will lead to disappointment.

But there's another part of me (that wins the inner battle) that will keep her mouth shut and let those wonderful young hopeful kids dream their dreams and lay out their five year plans. I'm going to sit here and listen and enjoy their overall hopeful tone. Soak in their hopes and dreams and plans.... because there is an innocent beauty in that.

And as I sit here listening to them, I realize that although my five year plan hasn't quite followed the route I mapped out.... I wouldn't trade it. But despite of the fact I'm not where I'd thought I would be and I'm not quite sure where I am going- I still continue to plan and hope and dream and imagine possibilities....

Because I believe in the future....even if I don't know what it will be- I have confidence that it will be.

If you're not living, then you are dying

I remember something I learned in high school Anatomy and Physiology (one of my favorite classes ever).... Simultaneously, we are all living/growing and dying. While we are young, we are living/growing at a much faster rate then we are dying, we kind of even out in the middle, and then at the end of our lives we are dying at a faster rate than we are living/growing.

Maybe a slightly morbid thought- but I don't really think so.

I think the most morbid thing, is to be in the living stage- but not really live. I think that saddest thing is to simply exist. To simply live, and not to thrive. That is scary for me. To be dying while living- that is much scarier.

So recently I bought a book- 2001 things to do before you die (or I like to call it my how to really live book.) And it always cheers me up to read it, because I've actually done quite a bit for my mere 24 years.

For example (as suggested in the book) I've:

-organized a food drive

-flirted

-mastered the art of letter writing (or so I like to think)

-stayed in bed all day

-given someone a reason to believe in God (hopefully)

-done something scandalous

-built a tree house

-decoupage a table

-wrote a letter to the editor

-spent one month without a TV

-spent a day in the nursing home

-cleaned out my closet and donated to the needy

-donated books

-read Atlas Shrugged

-read to children

-spent a day with a toddler

-found a long, straight road and saw how fast I could go (I don't suggest this)

-fossil-hunted

-dried some flowers

-gone on a silent retreat

-traveled alone

-learned to sew

-gone paintballing

-skinny dip

-go on an unplanned trip

-caught fireflies

-swim with dolphins

-made my own icecream

-done cartwheels for no reason

-rolled my own sushi

-walked on the beach in the winter

-left my umbrella and took a walk in the rain

-gone someplace where I saw a moose and a bear

-talked a cop out of a ticket (more like cried out of one)

-vote

-dyed my hair

-swallowed my pride

-line danced

-write a haiku

-talked to my grandparents about their childhoods

-sung the Hallelujah chorus in the shower

-change jobs

-mended fences

-played Hamlet (yes, I have)

-run through sprinklers with my clothes on

-harmonized

-started a conversation with a stranger

-written thank you notes when it wasn't required

-carried someone else's burden

-thrown a surprise party

-finger paint

-caught a snowflake on my tounge

-seen a rode0

-cut off a bad relationship

-had a really great foot massage

-moved

-given a friend a copy of my favorite book

-eaten salt water taffy

-sung Christmas carols in August

-climbed a tree

-hang a spoon from my nose

-write a personal note on Chrismtas cards

-had a cookout that ended with s'mores

-enjoyed a moment without expecting it to last

-taken the Meyer's Briggs

-roll down a small hill

-made soup from scratch

-picked a lock

-pulled an all nighter

-win a game of Trivial Pursuit

-ordered from the kids menu

-shopped from a farmers market

-coached little league

-been a godparent

-skipped rocks

-worn two different shoes

-found out if blondes do have more fun (they don't)

-gone down in a submarine

-sat in an empty church and sang

-visited an ice cream truck

-made my own recipe for chili

-attended an outdoor blue grass festival

-finished a game of Risk

-mamboed

-left cookies and milk for Santa

-read banned books

-been a write in on a ballot (thank you TTU bio department!)

Apparently, I'm living. And I plan on continuing the trend....

Believe....

I believe that:

-a hug can change perspective

-laughing until you cry is necessary

-sometimes a good cry really does cure all

-driving with the windows down is just better

-everyone has at least one great novel in them

-conversations with your best friend about nothing can actually be lifechanging

-the best season is the one you're in

-no memory should be regretted. You live, you learn, you grow

-mistakes are how you learn

-staying in your pj's all day on Saturday should happen at least once a month

-I figure more out about life at 3am while I clean house

-smiling at strangers confuses

-big, obnoxious sunglasses are fun

-silly songs should be sung

-hot chocolate and sm'ores have miraculous healing powers

-sometimes only Momma can make it better

-miracles happen every day

-surronding ourselves with people who make us laugh is true wisdom

-if you don't take risks, you risk more than you know

-love always wins, even if not in the way we thought it would

-there is not a single person who can save our country- it takes us all

-there is no one who can make you happy outside of ourselves

-we are the answers to most of our questions

-life is good.

We fight so much about what we disagree on, we forget thats its the little things we all believe in that unite us and give us power

Truth is so subjective. Its so hard when discussing "truth" to really find a place where you can say "Yes, absolutely. That is the truth." Because truth looks a little different to everyone.

When we come to find things to be true, we don't do it isolated. We bring our own personal slants into it- the way we were raised, our beliefs, our prior experiences, the people we know.... we don't just approach an idea or situation completely objectively (because that is pretty much impossible...).

That's why its so hard to explain and live in truth. Because if I live what is true for me and my life, then someone is going to think that it's not "true" becuase of where they are coming from. But if I live in what is true for someone else, then I risk the chance of losing a grasp on what is true for me.

Sometimes the truth hurts and is a hard place to live. Sometimes truth has consequences. Or calls us to do things that might not make sense. Or things that make perfect sense to some, but not to others.

I often find its easy to be completely truthful to the people who are going to love me regardless of whether they like my personal truth or not. They are willing to accept a truth as my own and be able to not like it while still supporting the fact that it is that truth I need to live in.

So where does this leave me with people whose love is subjective to how I believe, think, act? People who might be made uncomfortabe or hurt by my truth? People who won't unconditionally accept me? Well....I guess that leaves me living a lie in part. Or I guess you can't really qualify a lie in part....its either a lie or not.

But sometimes the truth is hard to hear/see/feel but has to be told whether people like it or not.

And since I'm a huge supporter of the belief that the truth will set you free, I guess I believe that living a lie leaves you captive.

So which is more important? To be truthful with yourself and live in that? Or to live a lie and let other people be comfortable?

Not an easy question. Not a question that can be satisfied with an easy answer. Probably one of those questions that I'll have to live my way into the answer.

Tidal Waves

Usually when you throw pebbles into water, you don't think about it changing the makeup of the water forever. When you see the ripples, you can count them until they become too small for the eye to see, but that doesn't mean that they stop. They keep going. They affect the flow of the water forever. For water is dynamic, always changing, ever moving.

Kind of like life and self are dynamic.

When things happen, we obviously notice the immediate outcomes and responses to them. But soon after that, after the experience stops being the forefront thing on our mind we often forget.

But just because we aren't paying attention, does that mean it stops affecting us?

I think when things happen, good or bad, they effect us far more than we know and in ways we may never know.

I was sitting with a friend yesterday and we started talking of old memories. He mentioned a concert he attended years ago with a girl he dated. He talked about how he really wanted to be at the concert and how she didn't, how that night became the beginning of the end for their relationship. And it was the end of their relationship that led him to marry one of my best friends and lead him to become one of my dearest friends. Someone who always speaks truth in my life and has profoundly affected who I am.

Its things like that concert experience that have such a ripple effect in ways we don't even notice.

One experience can change our perspecitive on one and that has the power to change our lives.

I think that is why its so dangerous to look back and wish to change things in our past. Because ultimately to change one thing, is to change everything.

If I were to go back and change some of the bad, some of the less than stellar moments I've had- that would change the ripple pattern of my life and therefore change who I am today in so many ways.

I don't know if this is a blog about change or a blog about how we are all connected and we may never know the effect some actions, people, experiences really have on our lives.

All I know is that there are moments, there are ripples that seem minor, but are actually lifechanging. There are decisions that change everything. There are moments in which you don't turn back from. And whether we realize it in that moment, the next day or five years from then, the power of that moment doesn't change and the effects on us don't dissapear.

Because even if we can't see the ripples that doesn't mean they aren't there. And just because you can't see a ripple anymore, doesn't mean that it won't eventually join in with another million ripples and form a tidal wave that changes the landscape of ourselves permanently.

(and sometimes tidal waves of change disguise themselves as ripples....)

One of the worst feelings in the world is seeing an old friend and experiencing the awkward silence that happnes when you realize that you have nothing to say to someone who you once used to spend hours in conversation with...

Very similar to that is the sensation when feel yourself growing farther and farther away from yourself....

Lately, I seem to be waking up every day and finding that I am just a little bit more of a stranger to who I used to be... I think maybe the changes have been happening gradually like summer turning to autumn, and I am just now noticing the things that are different. And its pretty disorienting.

I used to be convinced and feel determined that ministry is where I am supposed to be... now I'm not so sure. I mean- I still think that above all else I'm called to walk with people through life and stand by and before people during difficult times- but I'm not sure if the position or location is right anymore. Its stopped giving me energy, challenging me, forcing me to grow. I just am in this place- and I don't think that's good. It's not a comfortable feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job. I love the people, I love my kids. I love my family I have here at the church- but something is missing. Something vital and lifegiving is missing. I don't feel as creative. I don't feel inspired. I don't feel like I'm being excellent at much of anything. I'm getting the job done- I'm being productive, I'm being efficient, I'm doing all the things I need to do- but it seems empty.

Sometimes I have so many things going that I can't be totally present at all of them- but at the end of the day- it feels like I've accomplished nothing.

I'm wondering what is changing? The situation, the location, the people are the same.... so I guess that leaves me. But where does that leave me?

I've been really struggling with this.... partly I think its boredom. I've gone from working fulltime and schooling fulltime to simply working.... and let's be honest- I'm overproductive so that I run out of work by Wednesday... and that's not good, but it is what it is.

Should I go back to school? Well I can, but eventually I'll be done with that...then what?

Part of me is terribly afraid that somewhere along the way I've taken a wrong path. I've misheard my calling. I've triend to put myself in a box because someone thought I was a good fit for it.

And I don't know how to get out of this.

I know that I have to be serving and loving people. That is what I'm good at. But how? In what areana? In what aspect?

I need discernment. I need guidence. But most of all, I need to figure out me.

Though- I have a funny feeling that as soon as I get to know me- I'll just become someone else again. Maybe that's part of the point- the core, the heart of who we are always remains- but the details, the finetuning- they are always evolving, always changing, always growing....

I know this isn't a terribly uplifting or insightful post....but its where I'm at. And where ever you go, there you are.

Love not the shapely branch,

Nor place its image alone in your heart.

It dies away.

Love the whole tree;

Then you will love the shapely branch,

The tender and withered leaf,

The shy bud and the full-blown flower,

The falling petal and the dancing night,

The splendid shadow of full love.

Ah, love Life in its fullness.

It knows no decay.

-Jiddu Krishnamurti

oh so high

I've been in a terrible occupational funk. BUT:

After-

9 pieces of watermelon so participate in all the seed spitting contest

1 relay race where I ran backwards (priceless)

2 kickball games

1 double chocolate brownie

1 hour pushing preschoolers on swings

unfathomable amounts of diet coke

a ton of laughter

and a million hugs

I realize that I am truly blessed and my job doesn't seem so complicated.

Because at the heart of it, the most important part of it

is to simply love.

And, I am quite good at doing that.

I am not a disorder.
I am not a struggle.
I am not a bad day.
I am not a stereotype.
I am not a preconceived notion.
I am not defined by my battle.
I am defined by Who created me.
And that is why I am ok.

"Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible.

God and devil are fighting there,

and the battlefield is the heart of man. “

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

I woke up this morning and went to sit on the porch...

and my front yard looked something like this:

That's right. Turkeys. In my front yard.

Now I know I live in the country.

"We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4.19

There are relationships in my life that I deeply struggle to find peace with. These are relationships that feel fairly one-sided at times, or like I'm the only person striving to make them work. There is one imparticular that has always been a fairly deep wound for me. Its a relationship that I have poured love and effort into and the love seemed to just go into an open drain-it seemed that my love had no effect on that person.

I gave it years, thinking that maybe that person needed to see how love was supposed to work. And that if I kept on loving, then maybe they would start to mimic it back to me. However this wasn't the case.

Now just to clarify- I'm not talking about romantic relationships here. Just a relationship with someone who is essential in my life.

The past year I've especially struggled, as I've watched the person who was seemily uncapable of loving me well, choose to love another and that person's family. So I wondered- was the problem me? Was I unlovable? Or did that person just not want to put forth the effort to love me?

This has been something that has been eating away at me. A source of great pain and confusion. I started wondering if I really should just cut this person out of my life. Just cut the ties that seemed to be choking me. But I really hate that idea...

But somewhere in the past few weeks, I think I've found my answer.

I cannot control if people love me or not. No matter what I do I cannot make someone love me more or actively show their love to me. I cannot force anyone to act more lovingly or even feel love towards me. I can't control other's actions, feelings, or emotions.

BUT- what I can control is how and who I choose to love. That is it. I can only control me. (Now, I know this is elementary- but really how many of us have tried to control other people before?)

So my choice is to control what I can control- how I love this person. And when looking at my options, I saw that I had two: A- to keep on loving this person regardless of their response or B. to stop showing love to this person because of their lack of love.

I choose option A. Not because I'm a good person or feel that someday this person will wake up and magically make up for all the years of hurt. But because- its what Jesus chooses to do for me every single day of my life.

Every day I hurt Jesus. I don't love HIm with my whole heart. I ignore Him. I pretend I don't hear His voice. And still- He relentelssly loves and pursues me. He chooses everyday to love the unlovable and ungrateful me.

And it's because of His love, I have the strength to love the people who hurt me everyday. I can love, because God first loves me.

So that is my choice- I choose to be like Jesus. Because, as long as I choose to love (regardless if that love is returned) I get to be like Him. And Love (who is Him) always wins in the end.

One man is not better than another because

he is a lawyer while the other is a painter.

A life is measured by how it is lived

for the sake of heaven.

-Chaim Potok

And God saw that is was good.

"Let there be light. Let there be love. Let there be music." - Andrew Peterson

I just finished a Bible study with my church on Genesis. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Actually, I just love Genesis. It is easily one of my favorite books in the Bible. I love the Patriarchs. I love the drama. I love to watch humanity unfold. Cain and Able make my heart hurt. Rebecca and Issac make me sigh. Sarai makes me laugh. Joseph and his brothers frustrate me.

And the creation story- well that just gives me hope. The entire first chapter of Genesis is pure poetry to my soul.

You see, Genesis starts out with God creating the heavens and the earth. God starts out His story to us and for us by calling forth light from darkness, creating the sun, moon, stars. Imagining animals into beings and blooming flowers into existence.

Can you imagine what it would have been like to be there? The colors. The sounds. The moment that this thing called light shone for the first time? The brightness? The smell as grass grew newly and the waves rolled that first wave upon the shore? I can barely contain my excitment just thinking about it.

God lovingly creating this world piece by pieces, layer by layer, moment by moment. Slowly, gradually creating this masterpiece which is creation.

I like to think He did it like painters do. Brush stroke by brushstroke- pausing in between to step back and look over the creation- sighing with contentment cause the art is good.

Now all that I've said so far are definitely reasons I love the creation story but... the real icing on the cake is something else. It's like that unexpected twist in the plot of your favorite novel. Or a surprise ending in a movie.

Genesis 1:27 " So God created them in His own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female."

Did you catch it? "In His own image." Beautiful. Wonderful. Incredible.

God created us, humanity- the crown of His creation, the final brushstroke of His masterpiece, in His own image.

I don't presume to assume what that means for everyone else, but for me that is one of the greatest promises I have as a creation of the King.

I am created in His own image. Meaning- that spark of creation that drove Him to call forth light from dark, to grow flowers in fields of oblivion, to make fish swim in void seas....I was created in that image. With that same spark, that same kind of creative power residing in me.

Now- I'm fully aware that unless I have one heck of a Maglite I can't quite call forth actual light from dark.

But I like to think that everytime I comfort a hurting heart, or hug a confused soul, or offer solace to a suffering friend- that that might actually be my own way of calling forth light from dark. My own kind of creation. Helping create an environment of love, peace, joy, assurance.

Maybe that image of God in me, the fingerprint of Him upon my soul, that spark of the Creator that resides within me- maybe that is the purpose it serves.

That everytime I act to create the presence of God's good in the midst of bad, or work to bring God's light into a dark place that this is my continuation of Genesis 1.

You see to me the beauty of the creation story is that it continues on within us. That it is a living and active story and its our lives and actions that write it.

And I truly hope I'm creating something that God can pronounce good in the end.

Live fully. Laugh often. Love much.
Think big. Expect success. Spring ahead. Make a difference.
Stretch out. Be a star. Believe in you. Start immediately. Get in the game. See for yourself. Blaze a trail. Live in full color. Share your smile. Begin within. Be an original. Keep an open mind. Enjoy life. Create memories. Do what you love. Make it really worthwhile. Know bliss. Go where you’ve never been. Welcome the sunrise. Embark on a new journey. Try to understand. Surprise yourself. Open your eyes. Be moved to tears. Be happy. Play well with others.
Make someone’s day. Radiate happiness. Be spontaneous.
Be first to say hello. Use your imagination. Believe it can happen. Trust your instincts. Let yourself go. Love your goofy life. Turn cartwheels. Laugh ‘til it hurts. Worry less. Enjoy being human. Loosen up. Have fun. Collect memories. Follow your bliss. Be playful. Make every moment count. Be ridiculous. Keep growing. Enjoy the journey.
Shake things up. Do it for the fun of it. Kick up your heels.
Feel what you feel. Rejoice. Sing outside the shower.
Stay up all night. Take chances. Go for it. Try something new.
Enjoy your own company. Let your guard down. Do the hokey pokey. Think different. Live as if this isn’t all there is. Jump for joy. Stretch your comfort zone. Enjoy yourself. Celebrate the differences. Get involved. Be positive. Help others. Perpetuate hope. Create your own luck. Explore your heart. Make history. Dive in.
Spread your wings. Be romantic. Go weak in the knees.
Feel the earth move. Cuddle. Have faith. Shed your stress.
Pursue your dreams Expect a miracle. Be determined. Stay on target. Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Unlock your potential. Plunge in. Keep believing. Drink the sky. Be willing to discover. Care deeply. Let your spirit soar. Treasure old friends. Connect. Reach out. Savor magic moments. Find your passion. Get carried away. Live it up.
Settle for more.

Three passions have governed my life:

The longings for love, the search for knowledge,

And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.

In the union of love I have seen

In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision

Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge.

I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].

I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,

But always pity brought me back to earth;

Cries of pain reverberated in my heart

Of children in famine, of victims tortured

And of old people left helpless.

I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,

And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

~Bertrand Russell

"That which would give off light, but endure the burning... "
-anon

Days Like Today Make Me Want To:

~ have a lemonade stand
~ drive country roads with the windows down
~ wear a sundress
~ play in the dirt
~ paint something with really bright colors
~ be on the lake
~ grill out
~ smile
~be a kid again

So lately I've been blogging from kind of a pessimistic perspecitive. I've been spending way too much time in the "dark and twisty" places i(located and named courtesy of my newfound love for Grey's Anatomy) inside of me. I've been in a really awful funk. And I think I've finally come through that.

I mean- there is so much goodness and joy in life, why get all caught up in the darkness?

Don't get me wrong, I will be the first one to admit bad things happen. People get hurt. Hearts get broken. We find ourselves in situations with no clear answer and no easy way out. Life can hurt.

But (there's always a but)- all the yucky stuff, all that hurt, anger, jealousy, fear, pride, whatever yucky stuff that might be there (resentment, fear are some of my big ones)...seems so weak and pale when compared to the joy and love that actually exist in my life.

When I am in my dark and twisty place, things can look so bleak. Hurts and fears seem so huge and it feels like I will never conquer them.

But when I finally catch a glimpse of the hope and joy that is there- it's like "poof!" All that darkness and gloom dissapates.

And you know why? Because the things that hold all that darkness together and in place is so weak that it can't hold up against the force of love. It's because it takes about a hundred bad days to get me to a dark and twisty place, but only one good day to get me out. Because love- and all the emotions and things that are love (like goodness, joy, hope, etc) are so much stronger than the bad stuff.

It's like in the movies where the few good guys hold off and defeat the multitudes of bad guys. It's against all odds, that the good side wins and peace prevails. Mathematically, it shouldn't happen this way. But it does.

That's because it takes more strength and courage to choose to have hope and faith and live out a place of true love and joy for one day than it does to live out of a place of hopelessness and despair for a lifetime.

Love will always be stronger than hate. Joy will always dissapate anger. And hope will always prevail against despair.

It takes more guts to love knowing your heart can be broken than to refuse to love because your heart can be broken. It takes way more courage to have faith, than to be without it.

So, in all that rambling- what I am trying to say is:

That in the end, Love wins. Everytime.

It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope. And as they cross each other from a million different centers of energy, they dare those ripples to build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

-South African delegate to UN (1966)

Hebrews 11.1

I would rather travel a thousand miles alone than one mile with someone who didn't believe I could reach my destination…..

I would rather tread on my own in the water than use a life vest that would fail me halfway to the shore…

I would rather stand alone than be in an emotionless embrace for false security…

I would rather cry my tears in solitude than share them with someone who will turn their back on my hurt…

I would rather come home to an empty house every night than to live with a cheap imitation of love for fifty years…

I would rather your silence than your forced words of emotionless platitudes….

I would rather hold hope in the possibility of the future than to settle for the illusion of achievement in the present…

I choose to have confidence that God will provide for tomorrow rather than to doubt and store away the rusted treasure in the today...

... I remember the lilies....

...the wheels on the bus keep going....

My older sister Ashley

(for better or worse the one of the many voices in my head)

She doesn't choreograph dances, she tells stories through movement and music.

She is a free spirit.

She is one of the most compassionate people I know.

She has never lost faith in me.
She never forgets to tell me how great I am.

When she looks at me, she sees me at my best potential.

She answers to no one. She follows her own drumbeat.

She saw her dreams, and is working to get there.

I wanted to be her for the first half of my life, and then when I realized I never could, I started to really appreciate what a unique soul she was.

The girl can cook!

10 minutes with her is better for my soul than an hour in therapy.

Everyone should know her.

She is sassy, and I love her.

How is it, that the only thing that can hurt more than words is the lack of them?

The rest of DC

The rest of the week in DC was great. Monday we did more museums and Union Station. Then that night I met up with Emily and Emilee for dinner and good old fashioned girl talk. Then Tuesday we met with Senators from TN and toured the capital. Had a great conversation with a Lt. General who used to live in Crossville. Such a cool guy. Then toured the monuments, Arlington Cemetary, and walked around the White House. Hung out at Georgetown. Basically saw all that we could see. Enjoyed every second of it.

Although, seeing all the memorials and Arlington always produces some lingering sadness. It seems that we will never learn. The human race is capable of such much hurt and we just continue to inflict it upon each other. How can people capable of so much love and goodness, continually in situations with so much death attached to it?

Then again maybe we are learning. We went past the Holocaust museum and they are using this museum as a tool to raise awareness for the situation in Darfur. So its possible that maybe we are learning from our past mistakes and growing from them. That we see what price was paid in the past and are starting to strive to make sure that it never has to be paid at that high a level again.

I think that I just realized how important to me it is to make sure that I can see my sister grow up and my children be raised in a world where there won't be a need for a memoral for thousands of people or a wall with name after name after name of people who paid the ultimate price for that freedom.

Of course, I realize that what I want is the kingdom of God upon earth. And if I'm not working to make that happen more fully, I am only keeping it from happening.

DC- Day 2

"Courage is the price life exacts for granting freedom..." - Amelia Earheart

Spent the day at the Smithsonians- Air and Space as well as Natural History. Brief stop in Chinatown for a burger (I know how weird that sounds) then finished the day at the International Spy Museum (which is as cool as it sounds) Perfect first day!

Because you're mine, I walk the line (the Mason-Dixon Line)

Day 1- Washington, DC

Last night we went to eat dinner. And at dinner- like any ordinary person- my mother ordered sweet tea. And this is what transpired:

Mom: Sweet tea, please

Waiter: It's just tea

Me: That's right- we are in the north now. We'll have to sweeten it ourselves.

Waiter: We're not north. Technically, we're below the Mason-Dixon line...

I'm sorry- but everyone know... Mason-Dixon line is not the deciding factor that determines whether you are a northern or southern state or not.... If you serve Sweet and Unsweet tea in a restaurant- you are a southern state. If you only serve "tea"- face it, your a northern state. 

Darn Yankees. 

Row A, Seats 1,2

A little while ago, I heard a talk, lecture, whatever you want to call it about the voices in our heads. Now I know most of you are thinking I am talking about the "crazy" voices some of you suspect I hear but actually I'm not. I am talking about the people who, for better or worse, have spoken into our lives and have left some kind of imprint on us. So that when things happen or situations arise we hear their voices and words inside of us. The person who was talking about this called these people "The People on Your Bus."

Ever since then I've been kind of working through the people on my bus and how they got there and considering whether they should get to keep their spot on my bus or not.

So I've decided the next few blogs I am going to publically work through some of the people on my bus. Kind of a tribute to people who have earned the right to not only be on the bus- but get first class seating.

So starting- (and in no particular order....)

THE MEEZS

(Emilee Warner, Emily Hill, and obviously Me: Modeling our non existent engagement rings)

Now Emilee Warner and Emily Hill have been my friends for a loooong time. We are talking, Emily Hill is one of the first friends I can remember having and Emilee Warner, well she is familiy. These girls are not only gorgeous, but soooo much fun. They are both are incredibly brillant at what they do (Warner- works at CMT and owns some kind of her own company, Hill- works (appropriately) on the Hill in DC). They are vivacious, courageous, and incredibly compassionate people. These are girls who I know can face my faults and love me inspite of them. They can call me out on my crap, and they will, all the while reminding me of who I am inspite of that. We are more than friends, these girls are family.

Both of their voices are in my heads when I get discouraged or fed up with crap from people. These girls always remind me that I shouldn't settle and that I shouldn't put up with stuff that I don't deserve. In other words, these are the girls who remind me that sometimes I just need man up and draw the line. Girl power (and all that jazz)

And the best news yet: I get to see both these girls in exactly a week from right now. Where we will have our traditional Mexican feast on Capital Hill. Oh yeah!

"Learn to wish everything comes to pass exactly as it does..."

-Epictetus

Countdowns....

10 things I've done today: worshipped, read a book, prayed, taughted, licked stamps, made soup, pressed snooze 2 times, drank a pot of coffee, listened to Flogging Molly, wrote 17 postcards

9 people I've spent quality time with in the past week: Shelley, Jamie, Jade, Chelsea, Martin, Momma, Granny, The Newtons, Amanda Lay

8 movies I highly reccomend: The Bourne Identity, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Harry Potter, The Emperor's New Groove, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Beaches, Mrs.Doubtfire, Over the Hedge

7 favorite books: Atlas Shrugged- Ayn Rand, East of Eden- Steinbeck, The Giver-Lowry, Jacob Have I Loved (?), In Search of God Knows What- Miller, Anne of Green Gables- Montgomery, Nineteen Minutes-Piccoult

6 things I need to do: start packing for DC, write my act of care paper, copy music for Sunday, finish putting away my laundary, carry the box of easter eggs to the children's wing, return phone calls

5 things that I am looking forward to: DC with the family (especially the spy museum), 30 Hour Famine with my kids, figuring out what the immediate future looks like, seeing my dad's new house, another sunny day

4 emtions I've felt today: happiness, annoyance, humility, anticipation

3 things that never fail to make me smile: sunrises, hugs, mexican food

2 current annoyances: insomnia, cold weather (life is pretty good when all you have to complain about it the weather)

1 goal for the week: finish Sunday school curriculum for the summer (Exciting, I know!)

Why Not?

Your heart is racing, who are you standing next to?
I'm too Bristow for my heart to race.... (or not.) Probably my elementary school boyfriend. He has always made my heart race. :)

Something you hate more than anything?
Hate is a strong word. But it really irks me when people unload the dishes from the dishwasher and leave them on the counter without putting them UP. That is my current gripe. Trite, I know.

You’re standing on the edge of the cliff, who are your last goodbyes to?
Why would I be standing on the edge of a cliff? And if I was on the edge of a cliff and in the position that I needed to say last goodbyes- instead of saying them I would be making sure I didn't have to say them- i.e., I would be getting myself off the edge of a cliff.

What’s one business you’d start if you could?
I'd open a coffee shop/book store/cafe.... complete with Christmas lights on the porch and a hammock on the patio and really comfy chairs

Tears are falling from your face, what’s the reason?
Eh...tears are my go too emotion. So I could be really happy or really sad or angry or frustrated or laughing....

Your phone rings, who are you expecting?
No one right now... so it'd be a surprise.

You go into walmart and have $20 to spend, what do you buy?
chapstick, water gun, disposable camera, popsicles...

You’re sitting at home bored, who do you call?
I don't call. I read a book or go to the park. OR I call Chelsea for some girl talk.

You’re walking down the street with your love, where are you going?
More like, I'm walking down the street LOOKING for my love.

What are you going to do this weekend?
spring cleaning, babysit, road trip, movie, church, meeting with staff parish, homework

What are you excited about?
DC with the family next week!

If an unstoppable force comes across an unmovable object then what happens?
A pretty good action movie plot

Who was the last person to call/text you unexpectedly?
Alex

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Kinda of have to be in my job. But outside of "work" so to speak, it really depends on the person asking and the intention behind the question

Have you ever envisioned your own wedding?
I'm a girl, I live with someone who is planning her wedding, and I've been in about 5 weddings- you do the math: my wedding plan- ELOPE!

Who will you be with Saturday night?
Shelley and Jamie?

What woke you up this morning?
the doorbell (for the record- was unaware our doorbell worked)

If you took a drug test would you pass it?
unless tylenol pm messes that up

Is tomorrow going to be a good night?
of course it is

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Sure did. I babysat so lots of sweet baby hugs and kisses.

Who do you wish you were with right now?
Great question...

How many speeding tickets do you have?
Nada

What are you doing today?
Oh dear- I cleaned like I've never cleaned before... I don't know what got into me... my closets are sooooo organized its sick. I did laundry. I groceried shopped. I babysat a two year old and a 9 week old.

If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?
Apparently- I would clean. Other than that, take a book to the park, hike, cook something.

Are you in a good mood?
Sure. Except this show I am watching is stressing me out a little.....

Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Nope...

What makes you happy?
Simple things- talking to my mom, hearing my little sister play the piano, snuggling, vanilla ice cream cones, rain puddles, daisies, flip flops, sunshine, driving with the music on and windows down, hugs, happy endings.

One wish?
....kingdom of God to happen more fully here on earth...

Next concert?
Great question- um. ??? Suggestions?

Was your last kiss a mistake?
Even if it was, I can't undo it.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
eh 48 hours ago?

If the world was to end tomorrow, what would you be doing right now?
Having some serious conversations with some people....

I've never cared for stop signs...

I have the world's worst habit of absolutely just ignoring stop signs...For some reason those great little red octagonal signs with 4 white letters on them have never done anything to slow me down or stop me.... Ihave the slightest tendency just to breeze right by them... I think part of the problem is that I hate having to slow down when I have a destination in mind and idle while I wait for my turn to go or watch other people go on through the intersection while I have to sit there and wait paitently for the right time to go... it irks me. And sometimes I just block out the fact that the stop sign is there and go through anyway. And this has always gotten me in quite a bit of trouble...(and can be fairly dangerous)

Sometimes I feel like this is an excellent parallel for my life right now. I am approaching one of those great intersections of life where the direction/choices I chooose will irrevocably effect the ultimate direction of my life. And I have absolutely no idea which street to turn down. I mean I know I want to keep driving and I am comfortable in the car I am now...but I'm not sure which road to take to get me to where I want to go...actually it would be safe to say that I might not actually know where I am going to end up (well someday heaven, but there is [hopefully] quite a bit of traveling to be done between now and then)... So its hard for me to know which road to take...

I think part of me knows that its inevitable that as I approach this intersection that I am going to find myself confronted with a stop sign. In my heart, I know I am being told to stop and spend some time in the "idle" stage and patiently wait until a path becomes clear...

But like I mentioned before....I've never been very good with stop signs. And right now- as I am review the possible roads which I can turn down- my heart is actually holding pretty steady in neutral. So far nothing has made me wonder what that particular road would look like a little further down it.... And I know I can't stay on the road I am currently on.

So I guess my only choice is to sit at the stop sign and wait for my cue to move. Because I know the trouble that can happen when you run through stop signs and the danger it can bring.


"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..." Psalm 37.7

Silly Sounds I love to Hear

beCause I am in a ridiCulous mood today and Contemplating ridiCulous things, I will now Compose a list of sounds I love to hear:

1. babies when they have the hiCCups...hysteriCal
2. popping the air out of the rolls of packing bubble wrap
3. my dog tucker when he is growling but he doesn't want anyone to hear him....he fades in and out with growls...its greeeaattt
4. the sounds of about 20 kids playing any kind of game
5. my dad talking in his donald duCk voice...made laugh when I was three, still makes me laugh now that I am twenty-three
6. guitars...anytime any kind
7. the mandolin
8. ok, we should go ahead and say stringed instruments...and perCussion...okay musiC in general
9. my little sisters voiCe when she gets surprised...it goes up like 12 oCtaves
10. the sound of a familar voiCe when i answer my phone

Living With, Not Dying From

I was talking to a good friend of mine last night and she was telling me about what she was learning in school Now understand that she is a graduate student studying some form of biology and spends her days studying fish and bugs and rivers...so cool.

Anyway, she was telling me about this thing called the fluid dynamics of rivers. This is a throwback to the idea that rivers are never static or stuck in the same state- they are dynamic or ever-chaning. Meaning that at any given time the river is silmultaneously being emptyed and refilled with water. Its experiencing being drained and filled. At any given moment the river is essentially dying and being given life. And apparently this dynamic is what gives rivers their force and flow strength-essential their power to continue on.

And I thought how appropriate of an analogy that was for life. At any given time we are all experincing life and death. Not just physically but spiritually. Things happen and they are hard and horrible. And they seem to drain the life out of our souls- but at that same time we have the ability in that moment to experience peace and joy- essentially experiencing life.

And then there is the idea that we must consistently be in the state of dying to self so that we can live with Christ.

Why is it that in order to grow and move and continue to have life there must be this continual trade off? That there does have to be a certain loss or death in order to gain a new life? We must be willing to risk one thing to gain another.

I wonder what the world would look life if we all lived like this. If we died to self, to live with Love.

If we died to selfish ambition, to live with social justice.
If we died to judment, to live with acceptance and compassion.
If we died to the cancer of self, to experience a new kind of self-love.
If we died to despair, and lived with hope instead.
If we died to anxiety and depression and lived in the realm of shalom.

I think it be a whole new kind of world if we learned how to live with things instead of die from them.

So maybe what I am trying to say is that the "Fluid dynamics" of life is really the idea of God's redemption and restoration. That before you can experience redemption, you have to experience something to be redeemed from. Before you can be restored, you have to be destroyed.

So may we learn to view the broken places, the heart aches, the times of questioning and deep pain, as a chance to be rebuilt, healed, and given new life of assurance and peace. May we learn to live within the fluid dynamics of the river that is life.

And the truth shall set you free...

I rarely say what I mean... Think about it, how often do you truly say the first thing that crosses your mind in response to a situation- now double that and that is probably how much I censor what I really think.

So much of what of what I say and how I respond to situations is just watered-down versions of what I really feel. I'm afraid of offending someone or coming off wrong or sometimes just scared of what I am feeling that the safer option is just to say sort of a half-truth or a partial portion of what you are thinking or feeling.

However, I have these few select friends who have really reached the point where I feel like I can truly say what I feel and to the extent of what I feel. In these friendships I feel secure enough to just say whatever my initial reaction is without censoring it.

There is a power in that...there is sincere freedom in being able to be who you are...to the full extent of yourself. And I've found that's incredibly rare...

Genuine and authentic friendship...where there is freedom to be how you and who you are.

One of the most real moments I've had in my life recently came from a friend on particularly bad night. It was a night where the world and all of its complexities had overwhelmed me and I couldn't seem to make the pieces of my life fit togehter. I was emotional and feeling more than a little desperate... I was really trying to keep it togehter, keep the mask on, hold back the emotions and I simply just burst into tears. While crying, I just kept apologizing. I felt so bad for "falling apart"....

My friend took my hands and told me "You never have to apologize for what you are feeling. You simply have to feel it."

The freedom in that moment was immense. I felt that the walls could crumble, the barriers could come down, and the masks could be off and that it would be okay.

What would it look like if we started allowing people (ourselves included) to be real, authentic, and emotional? What if we left our masks at the door and broke down the walls?

What if we stopped making people feel guilty for genuine sadness or absolute joy?

Then maybe people would start saying what they mean and really meaning what they say. They would respond to things with authentic feelings and not be afraid to share their thoughts the first time they think them? Maybe the channels would open for healthier and deeper conversation and we could really start to get to know each other...

What kind of community would that build? What kind of freedom is there in simply being able to be yourself? Without conditions or apologies....

Of Yolks and Yokes

I've always loved Easter! There is something so significant about the day we collectively as the body of Christ stop and celebrate the fact that God is alive. I realize that this is something that we should recognize daily, but there is power in the specific recognition of the redemption for us within the resurrection.

This year I've been experiencing Easter in a new way. Since the year began, my life has been full of tragedy and death. It seems each week there is a new piece of my heart that is breaking for or with the people who fill my life. I have truly felt heavy and weary laden lately. Usually I am a extremely hopeful person...hopeful sometimes to the point of being obnoxious. But this year that same hope has been harder for me to hold onto.

As I work at a church, Easter preparation began for me in February. As I began processing all the lessons, devotions, traditions, and liturgy that had to be prepared and done this Easter season, I was reminded of the Easter story and the joy. I felt that overwhelming joy of Easter, long before the "holiday" actually arrived. And this made me think that maybe I have been missing the point or possibly just failed to articulate it to myself in this way before...

What if Easter isn't so much something we are supposed to celebrate but a way of life?

Jesus, after his resurrection, told his disciples to "go into all the world and make disciples..."

The end of the Easter story, the finale was Jesus commisioning his disciples to find and help make more disciples... Jesus didn't say- elect disciples, appoint disciples...no Jesus said make disciples. Which is an incredibly apt description.

In 1st century Galilee (where Jesus taught and lived) to be a disciple meant that you were "one being taught in the way of a rabbi". It meant that you had gone to school and excelled to the point that a rabbi had specifically chosen you to be his follower, to learn his ways, to walk with him.

You didn't become a disciple of a rabbi overnight. It took time. It took study. It took effort. It mean incorporating the rabbis beliefs into yours and living life in a way that reflected that.

It meant taking that rabbi's teaching upon yourself. Now a rabbis idea of thought or collected group of beliefs and teaching were called his yoke. So as a disciple your job was to take up his yoke and live that way. It was also to teach other people the way of his yoke.

So when Jesus tells the 11 original disciples to "go make disciples..." what he is telling them is- "Go! Teach people my way of life! Give them my yoke to carry (remember him telling up his yoke was easy and light?)... Give them this new way to live!"

Easter is about sharing Jesus' yoke with people. Its about reminding people that death holds no victory.

Its about helping people find that in the Risen Lord-
where there is hurt, there is comfort.
where there is heaviness, there is relief.
where there is sickness, there is healing.
where there is questioning, there is also peace.
where there is death, there is life.

So Easter is something we merely celebrate, Easter is something we do. It is something we are called to bring to people and is an essential part of the yoke of Jesus we are to share with others and incorporate into our own lives.

We are Easter people every day of our lives! He is Risen, indeed.