I don't think success looks like what we imagined it would. Personal success, professional success, any other kind of success.

I don't think success appears to us in the major ways. In the big things. I don't think success shows up in the major milestones. I think that we get true glimmerings of success in the little things. And I have learned this the hard way.

I have waited to see success in my job, in my life in the big things. In a certain number of people attending my programs. In consistency of work. In grades. In number of dates. In number of friends. In ability to be independent, in handling problems myself. In the amount of responsibility I am trusted with.

But recently, I've figured out this is never how we see success. I think success always is sort of disguised.

I've seen success disguised as:
-a 730 am phone call from a kid who missed the bus and had no way else to get to school.
-a 3 hour converstaion about life with a senior
- being the first person sought when a middle schooler got her heart broken
-having my office flooded at 330 every afternoon when school lets out
- being able to show grace to 2 kids who got in serious trouble and thought I would kick them out of the youth group
-finally getting one of the kids to speak more than 3 syllables to me after 4 years here
-fixing my own sink when it broke
-changing my own tire
-going to a party alone and being comfortable in that
-making the right decision even if it isn't what I want to do
-finally feeling great in my own skin and loving my own life.

Success is not found on the mountain tops, in big paychecks, or with having absolute power.
Success is knowing that you are doing your best.

And maybe I shouldn't call it success. Cause sometimes that makes it sound cheaper than it really is. Because these triumphs in my life are so much more than success. They are signs that I am on the right path. They are affirmations that I am pouring myself into the right things. They are the things that keep me putting one foot in front of the other instead of running in the opposite direction.

I think I would have felt better along time ago if I had expanded my idea of what "success" looked like.

And I'm willing to wager that success for me is not going to look like success for anyone else.

Top Five- Songs that would go on the soundtrack to my life...

Music is a huge part of my life. So this week- if my life had a sound track, these songs would be on there:

1. The Story- Brandi Carlisle
2. Long Way Around- Dixie Chicks
3. Hold the Light- Caedmon's Call
4. My Sweet Charade- Stephen Kellog and the Sixers
5. Shower the People- James Taylor

I never really considered that it might not be about me. I guess that's fairly self-centered of me, but it's the truth. I always assumed that it was dependent upon me and where I was at.

Let me back up. You see, for awhile now, I have been considering that it might be time for me to end this chapter in my life and start the next. I've been considering what it would mean for me to leave my job and the town I now live in. I have been praying and searching for an answer to this situation and not quite finding peace.

A part of me knows that I have learned what I can in this situation and that I have grown so much. And that part seriously considered it time to move on. To find the next challenge, the next adventure. But there was another part of me, not as strong, but just strong enough to keep me hesitating. To keep me praying for confidence and assurance in this decision. For God to let me know when I was ready to move on.

But I never considered that it wasn't about me. But you see, when you pray, God answers. That's the insane part. You always get your answer- you may not like it- but you get it.

A situation has emerged in my life (not exactly in my life, but in the people's lives whom I love dearly in my current situation and therefore my life is wrapped up in this situation) and this situation was like a fist to the face. It was a clear answer that it was not time for me to move on. That until this situation resolves, I have to stay where I'm not. That I may be ready to move on, but other people need me to stay.

I never considered that maybe my life, and my call, was not about me. That is was more about others. That my life- all my experiences, emotions, training, friendship, relationships, heartaches- that all of that have formed who I am so that I am perfectly prepared to stand by, for, and in front of these loved ones of mine during this time. That until there is resolution, I can use the talent I've been given to comfort, to encourage, to protect, to defend, to simply walk through this with them. And to be honest, I know in my heart that is why I never found perfect peace in leaving before.

Its like the trees in autumn. The tree itself can actually be biologically ready to change colors weeks before they do. For its not just about the tree and the trees readiness. Its about the environment. Its about the temperature of the air, the moisture level. The change from green to red is not just about the tree- but a communal process between the tree, the environment, and the weather.

I may be ready to change, but its not just about me. Its also about those whose life is connected to mine. So eventually change will happen. And the time will come. But at least now I know, its not right now.

Top Five - People I am praying for today

1. Michelle- a young mother facing breast cancer with incredible strength and courage (and a great sense of humour)
2. Travis- a high school boy who is a little bit lost in life but is searching and has an incredible heart
3. my boss- we've recently crossed that line where we are more friends than co-workers, he in the middle of such a terrible/wonderful time
4. Allison- baby sister, at first semester of college, dealing with figuring out this new life and finding closure on the old
5. Martin- that he find a job (and that its not 10,000 miles away)

Top Five

So I made a huge work mistake today. Not the kind of mistake that is going to cause harm, but the kind that will require alot of fast talking and quick acting to fix. And all because I stink at knowing what day is which. And I've been beating myself up about it. I forget that mistakes happen. That they are just part of life.

So today's top five: 5 things that I've done right this week:

1. Ignored paperwork and spent two hours talking to a high school senior about her college fears.
2. Cleaned my mom's house so she didn't have to.
3. Called my grandmother and talked for awhile.
4. Planned the Advent season music
5. Made myself available for a friend who needed a listening ear

Quit playing game with my heart...

Funny how church signs have gone from being a place to advertise a place's affiliation and times of services to a place where they can advertise their theology in a ten words or less cleverly crafted phrase. I will go ahead and admit that church signs annoy me. Often their cute motto's or "prayer is the solution to everything" advice makes me roll my eyes but usually doesn't really upset me.

Yesterday I saw a church sign and it just made me angry. Probably more angry than it should, but it really hit a nerve for me.

The sign read: "Soul-Winning Conference, date, time, etc..."

The thing that made me mad: "soul- WINNING".

I'm sorry, but how exactly does somebody win a soul? And whose souls are we trying to win? Is the point to try to win our souls? Or to try and win other peoples? And if a soul can be won, does that mean we can lose souls as well? And who keeps the score? And what is the deciding factor in whether a soul has been won? And who the heck ever decided that once a soul was won then that soul was magically transformed into a Christian soul?

And how is this a conference? Do you herd a bunch of "lost" souls into a room and have some kind of "Price is Right" game show? Or is this a place you come where they teach you how to win souls? Kind of like football camp for Christians? Or maybe more like the NFL draft?

I'm being a little mean and judgemental, and I'm apologize. I don't really mean to be. But the premise behind the idea that we can "win" souls is just appalling to me. Souls are not game pieces. Souls are not something to be acquired or won like some monopoly real estate. And if they can, we are in no means capable of winning something as priceless as a soul. And to be truthful, I really don't believe that souls can be lost. How do you loose a soul? How do you misplace the thing that makes you who you are?

I believe that souls are what makes humans human. Our soul is the essence within us that allows us to feel, breathe, believe, and be who we are. Our soul is the part of us that believes in something more and where we love from. Souls are the part of us that experience love. I believe that people's hearts and souls are very closely related. I don't think souls were meant to be won. I think souls were meant to be loved. To be cared for. To be nurtured. To be accepted. To be appreciated. I believe souls were meant loved into truth, not convinced into religion.

I'm a Christian. I believe in Jesus. But I don't think He ever told me to go win souls. I don't think He even ever mentioned to go win people. I don't ever think He intended this to become some kind of game. I just remember Him telling me to love people. And that's how they would know Him. Through His love in us.

And this makes me believe that loving another person's soul until the point they recognize that it is in fact God's love and not mine, is not a quick process like the idea of "winning" suggests. In fact, I think that helping people believe and discover the Love that is already in their soul is a slow and gradual process. Granted there are events that can act as a catalyst and speed the process up. But mostly, loving souls takes time.

I hope I never get to the point where my focus is seeing how many souls I can win or convince or recruit. I hope I always remember that the point is to see how many souls I can love. And hopefully from that, souls will know that they are loved by Love itself.

perspectiveness

"A rock piles ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral." -A. de Saint Exupery

In high school, I struck up an unlikely friendship. It was one of those friendships that made absolutely no sense. He was a he and I was a she. He was a athlete and I was kind of a nerd. He was most definitely a "player" and I was most definitely not. And to be honest, he was jerk (actually I have another word for it, but jerk is what I've decided to go with here on a public forum) and obviously, I'm not a jerk (at least for the most part). We had nothing in common and in fact, I shouldn't have been his friend. He wasn't very nice. He was never mean to me, but I consistently wanted to punch him for the way he treated most everyone else. I mean there were good qualities- he had a sense of humor and actually he could be quite charming, but you rarely saw this part of him.

But for some reason, I maintained the friendship. And we stayed friends through college. Not great friends, but the kind of friends who would occasionally call and hang out all night sporadically. He would need help on homework and I would help. I would be moving furniture and he would bring his truck. I wouldn't let him tell me about his social life, because I'm pretty sure I would disapproved of everything. And he still was a jerk, and now often a jerk even to me.

My roommates often asked me why I held onto this friendship. What made me stick with him even when he gave me every reason to write him off?

And all I could think was that despite the jerkiness, despite the poor choices, and despite everything else, I truly believed that he had the potential to be an absolutely amazing individual. That on those rare occasions that he let his guard down and was kind and compassionate, I would get glimpses of the person he was capable of being. And so I whenever I looked at him, I looked past the way he acted. I looked past the face value evidence of who he was, and tried to always see the potential he had. To always see the person he could choose to be.

I wish that this story had a happy ending. I wish that I could say that he has mellowed and chosen wiser, but that's not what happened. I wish I didn't have to say that eventually he was too mean and too hurtful and we parted ways.

But despite all that, I still see within in the person he could. When I look at him, there is no anger. There is just a deep sense of sadness. He's just choosing to be a rock pile, when within him dwells a cathedral.

And I think, to an extent, we all do this. Either we refuse to see what we really are or we refuse to see what other people are. We look at ourselves and others and we don't see anything of value. We see what's there. We see the pieces of rubble and stone of their lives. We don't stop and look deeper. We don't stop and ponder what these pieces of stone are building. We see only who the person is in that moment, and don't stop to try to see who they will become. We choose not to have hope that someday that pile of stone can become a cathedral.

Of course, every rock pile won't become a cathedral. People are always going to dissapoint, let us down, and hurt us. But I firmly believe that to see the potential, to see the cathedral within someone, and to see them remain a rock pile is still infinitely better than just seeing someone as a worthless pile of stone- unchanging and of little worth. I think it takes far more courage to hope and be dissapointed than to never hope at all. It takes more vision to see what could be possible, than to settle for what is probable.

Because I still believe that ordinary days can become extraordinary. That Mondays can be just as meaningful as Saturday or Sunday. And that everyday we can change our lives and others.

Every Monday Matters- help the Hungry

Facts:
- the 2nd largest expense for families is food.
-35.1 million Americans have limited access to enough food dur to lack of money or other resources.
-30% of families are foreced to choose between buying food and paying for medical care and medicine.
-96 billion pounds of food are wasted each year.

This is a problem. Today choose to be part of the solution.

What to do:
-Locate organizations near you that support the hungry. Find out what those organizations need and help provide it.
-Donate your time and volunteer at any food pantry, a local soup kitchen, and a homeless shelter.
-Go through your pantry and gather canned and dried food to donate.

Top Five

Top Five....

Things to do on a lazy fall Saturday:
1. Take a meandering walk
2. Sit in the sun and read
3. Call the people you've been meaning to
4. Rent movies and curl up on the couch and watch them
5. Make the first stew of the season....

Fall is wonderful!