Owning nothing, yet possessing everything

I am 27. I am in graduate school (which is a fancy way of say I am poor). I live with my parents. I have a cat, a chair,a vehicle, and a toaster oven I can honestly lay complete claim to. I work a full time and a part time job and still have a hard time getting ahead. I own nothing. Yet, I find that I am possess everything.

There is a distinction in what you own and what you possess. You can own the most beautiful house in the world with the finest luxuries, yet not possess a home. You can have a marriage in that looks perfect and functioning, but yet not possess true love. You can have gained the highest degree possible, but still not possess wisdom.

Ownership is not possession. Possession is living fully into the potential that a situation, relationship, or object has. It is bringing something fully alive or fully into the potential that God has placed in it.

I will admit sometimes, I get caught up in ownership. Or in my case, lack of ownership. I have nothing really. I own nothing. By the success-o-meter in place in our world today, I am failing miserably. I'm not married. I don't have kids. I have had several different careers, but nothing established yet. I am certainly not the most successful person in my high school graduating class. Sometimes I get defeated. Sometimes I get depressed or discouraged or caught up in the lack of things I have obtained or succeeded at.

But its then I realize that my perspective is off. I am looking through the wrong lens. I need to fling off my lens of ownership, and look at what I possess.

I am not married, but I know that I have the kind of relationship that doesn't come along every day. I may not be have "owned" that standard yet, but I am possessing the kind of relationship that books are written about.

I don't have kids of my own. I don't "own" that either. But I have had the incredible privilege and opportunity of being part of so many kids lives and I have "possessed" that in a way that few people will ever get to.

I don't have a degree or a career. I don't "own" that kind of success. But I have a vast array of experiences that have brought me to where I am and readied me for the life I am possessing.

I don't "own" a house, but I possess a home that is not dependent on a structure. My home is my family. It is with the people I love and regardless of what location or address we are in.

Ownership is not possession. Success is not triumph. Marking things off the list of what is expected, is not living life.

I have nothing, but actually, I have it all. Or as the apostle Paul said "as having nothing, yet possessing all things" (2 Corinthians 6.10)

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. –Ghandi

I think we often confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same things. You see, forgiveness is always possible. However, reconciliation is sometimes not possible or least extremely unlikely.

You can forgive someone, but not reconcile the wrong. You can not reconcile however, without forgiving.

Forgiveness is personal. It has everything to do with you. Its how you feel and how you choose to handle the wrong that has been done. Forgiveness or lack of forgiveness is the choice you make on how you will handle what has been done to you. Forgiveness is a choice you make, and has nothing to do with the offending party except that they are the recipient of the gift.

When you choose to forgive someone, what you are doing is giving yourself permission to move on. To choose to stop holding a debt against them. Releasing the burden of hurt you’re carrying around. The wrong is still there and you probably hurt, but you don’t feel the weight of holding a grudge against the offender.

It is not easy. It’s counter-intuitive really. Our human nature tells us: “They hurt me. I want to hurt them.” To choose to forgive someone who has wounded you, goes against our basic instincts. We don’t want to be the first to fold and we want to stand our ground. We live in a world where letting go of the grudge first is seen as “giving in” or being the “weak” one.

Forgiveness is anything but easy. It’s an exercise in grace. Its letting go of our human nature, desires, will to hurt what hurts us and letting something larger, something more graceful take over our selves.

Forgiveness is an act of love. In the letter of Corinthians, one of the identifying characteristics of love is that it “keeps no records of wrongs” (chap 13, v 5). Forgiveness is choosing to even the score again. To level the playing field. To not keep the wrong that has occurred in the back pocket to throw out in the next fight along with the kitchen sink. Forgiveness is loving well.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that “forgive and forget” is the best advice here. Cause in some cases, you definitely need to forgive and REMEMBER. Remember that they hurt you, hit you, betrayed you. Remember that so you put yourself in a position to be hurt again. But you can forgive them. You can free yourself of their hold on you. You can choose to no longer hold a grudge even if you keep a barrier in place.

Protect your heart from others hurting it. But sometimes, we need to forgive to protect our hearts from ourselves. From becoming hard. Or grudgeful. Or bitter.

Forgiveness is not easy. It takes time, strength, gumption, and humility to be able to look at someone who has wounded you and choose to let go of the hurt and forgive them. To choose to act lovingly towards them when are acting in the opposite manner towards you. Forgiveness takes strength and courage. Its hard to free someone of a debt that hurt you. But in the end, the person you end up freeing is mainly yourself.

I wish life was a little more like "Saved by the Bell"... I wish I was Zach Morris and when life got a little too crazy or overwhelming, I could just take a time out. Talk myself through it. Catch myself up to where life was at. Take ample time to digest what is happening before I have to deal with the situation at hand. Think about what is going on and consider my options before I react.

But unfortunately, I'm not Zach Morris and life isn't "Saved by the Bell" and there are no time outs. You have to go with your gut and hope that it steers you in the right decision. Sometimes, you just have to roll with what life hands you without knowing exactly what you are doing or having a clear game plan in place.

More often than not lately, Ive felt like life is three or four steps ahead of where I am mentally. Its moving at warp speed and I can't quite catch up to it. Or get a firm grasp.

And that's just unsettling. For life to be about three steps ahead of where you are ready or prepared for it to be. To feel hugely unequipped to handle what is happening, even when all of it is positive and wonderful.

I guess this is just another lesson in how I will never be able to handle it all on my own or manage it perfectly. Or on my own. Or without failures or freak outs.

And maybe that's ok. Because in the end, we might make some of our best decisions simply going with our gut. And all a time out would do would give us the chance to reason ourselves out of a decision that would be the best thing we ever did.

Because sometimes, the best things are the ones that make the least sense.

For centuries, man believed that the sun revolves around the earth. Centuries later, he still thinks that time moves clockwise.

~Robert Brault

Time is insane. Sometimes, it feels like it creeps by. It can feel like each minute is its own hour. Other times, it flies by. It can feel like each day is merely a minute.

Its also weird because we feel that things should happen in specific times. We gauge time by a certain idea of how or when things happen. We create timelines and plot our courses accordingly.

We also come to life with certain of what sort of times things are supposed to take. What sort of schedule different seasons of our lives should follow. How certain things should happen.

We like when time happens in the way we predict. That way we can see what is coming our way and feel prepared to handle what is about to happen. We can size up the situation and deal with time in our own way.

So it can really mess us up if certain things or events or seasons happen out of their proper time or don't follow our preconceived idea of how they should happen.

When events in our lives come upon us in expected ways or at unsuspecting times, we can feel overwhelmed or unprepared. It can throw us off our guard and in some ways feel like an assault.

But maybe this is good for us. Maybe we need to remember that time doesn't necessarily move clockwise. That sometimes a month is just a month. But sometimes, a month can be much longer than a month and hold more time in it that month than any other one.

Perhaps, its good and helpful when time sneaks up on us and launches an attack. Maybe its helpful and wonderful when time assaults us with things that we are unprepared for and are forced to handle in what seems like a time warp.

I think there is something unique in looking time in the face and realizing that it doesn't work in the way we imagine. I think it builds something within us when time laughs at our timelines and does her own thing in spite of our best laid plans.

I think we would never be open to certain truths or ideas or events unless time snuck them up on us in her own special way. So its a good thing when time refuses to work clockwise. Its a helpful thing when she doesn't follow the calendar. And some of the most special moments we can experience, often happen in those crazy time warps.

So maybe we should close our calendars and throw away our watches. Maybe we shouldn't let ourselves get so caught up in "timing" and "procedure". Who knows what we might find ourselves experiencing if we simply allow time to control what happens to us instead of us control time?

And now, let the wild rumpus start!

" ...And Max the king of all the wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all. Then all around from far away across the world he smelled good things to eat so he gave up being king of where the wild things are...."

- Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak

What good is it to be king, if there is no one there to share your kingdom with?

What good is it to have great adventures, if there is no one with whom you share your stories?
Who wants a scrapbook full of pictures alone? We all want someone to call at night and tell about our days. You can have the best job and the most beautiful home in the hippest city in the world, but still have nothing. You can have a houseful of possessions but still not have a home. You can fulfill all the worldly ideas of success and still feel like a failure.

What is success? Is it having a thriving career? Is it having a successful business? Is it owning your own home? Is it having the white picket fence and 2.4 kids? Is it living life independently of the community you've grown up in? Is it taking fancy vacations or driving around in dream cars?

Don't get me wrong. All of these things are wonderful, awesome things that I think in a part of us, we all desire and work towards. But are these the things that make us successful? That bring us joy? That will give our hearts peace at night?

I would venture that the answer would be no. And I think its sort of like Max in Where the Wild Things Are. He ruled and ran the kingdom of the wild beasts. He was in charge and in command. Yet at the end of the day, he was alone. And he gave all that up to go back to where he wasn't a king, but was loved.

I think the things that matter in our lives are people. The people who love us and the people whom we love. I think theses are where the true successes and failures in life lay.

Because nothing can make you more miserable than being alone. And nothing can give you more joy than being with those whom you love.

I needed to write tonight. And I have started several drafts, but nothing was coming together. And I started to get frustrated. I mean I really felt the need to write. To put what I'm thinking, feeling, discovering down on paper. But the words weren't forming into anything that made sense to me (or to anyone else for that matter). Its just that I'm feeling so much right now. And writing is one of my outlets for my emotions. It helps me get a grasp on all that is going on inside of me. Of all that I'm feeling.

I feel hope. I feel joy. I feel peace. I feel confused. I feel strong. I feel confident.

And I think maybe that's the point. That for the first time in months, I am able to feel again. I've stopped being the zombie going through the motions and I've rejoined this delightful adventure called life. I'm ready to step back out on the playing field and go for it.

And all that changed when I went last weekend to serve some teenagers on a weekend Chrysalis. I went to serve and bless, and found myself being served and blessed. I went to point to God, and found God pointed out to me. I went to help people heal, and found my hurts healed. I went to remind young girls of who they are, and ended up being reminded of who I was.

Isn't it amazing how I walked around for months numb and unfeeling? And in three days, God thaws out all the frozen places in me? He takes the dead spots and brings life to them again? And I finally feel like Kelly again. That's what God does. He creates us anew.

And that's why we call it the good news. The really good news.

Whether its been two months or two days since I last saw my little sister, we basically have the same greeting for either situation. It goes like this: one of us walks through the door, we both squeal (no matter where we are), and my baby sister leaps in my arms like a little kid (as in I'm holding her- all 19 years of her) and we hug it out. Doesn't matter when, where, who- this is how our hello goes.

Its funny because when I saw her Sunday and I noticed that before I even reached her, she was jumping off the group so that I could catch her. And it struck me, that this is how it is in my family. Allison doesn't fear jumping, because she knows I will be there to catch her. None of us are afraid to leap, because we know that the others will be there to keep them from hitting the ground.

And its the exact same way with our older sister. Although I tend not to leap into her arms (I prefer my feet firmly planted on the ground), I know that if I am falling- she will be there to catch me, or at least pick me back up.

We have absolute trust in each other. We know no fear when it comes to each other. We know that no matter what we say, it will be understood (or at the very least accepted and acknowledged). We might not always agree, but we will at least be heard. That it doesn't matter what we are feeling, we can share that with each other. We fight the most with each other and are harder on each other, because we know nothing can make us walk away from each other. Its the weirdest, most insane kind of trust. Its absolute. I don't quetsion it. Ever.

We can leap, because we trust the others will be there to catch. We can cry, because we know that the others will be w/kleenex. We can fight, because we know there will be forgiveness. We can make mistakes, because we know we will be loved anyway. And even after we have hurt each other, we forgive because we love each other too much not to. And when we face the world, we know we don't do it on our own.

I have absolute faith that when I jump or fall, my sisters will be there to catch me. And they are mere humans. Mortals prone to error and mistakes. Yet, they have my full confidence.

I wonder why I trust my sisters without fail, yet question a God who has never failed me yet.

I still have alot to learn about faith.