Truth is so subjective. Its so hard when discussing "truth" to really find a place where you can say "Yes, absolutely. That is the truth." Because truth looks a little different to everyone.

When we come to find things to be true, we don't do it isolated. We bring our own personal slants into it- the way we were raised, our beliefs, our prior experiences, the people we know.... we don't just approach an idea or situation completely objectively (because that is pretty much impossible...).

That's why its so hard to explain and live in truth. Because if I live what is true for me and my life, then someone is going to think that it's not "true" becuase of where they are coming from. But if I live in what is true for someone else, then I risk the chance of losing a grasp on what is true for me.

Sometimes the truth hurts and is a hard place to live. Sometimes truth has consequences. Or calls us to do things that might not make sense. Or things that make perfect sense to some, but not to others.

I often find its easy to be completely truthful to the people who are going to love me regardless of whether they like my personal truth or not. They are willing to accept a truth as my own and be able to not like it while still supporting the fact that it is that truth I need to live in.

So where does this leave me with people whose love is subjective to how I believe, think, act? People who might be made uncomfortabe or hurt by my truth? People who won't unconditionally accept me? Well....I guess that leaves me living a lie in part. Or I guess you can't really qualify a lie in part....its either a lie or not.

But sometimes the truth is hard to hear/see/feel but has to be told whether people like it or not.

And since I'm a huge supporter of the belief that the truth will set you free, I guess I believe that living a lie leaves you captive.

So which is more important? To be truthful with yourself and live in that? Or to live a lie and let other people be comfortable?

Not an easy question. Not a question that can be satisfied with an easy answer. Probably one of those questions that I'll have to live my way into the answer.

Tidal Waves

Usually when you throw pebbles into water, you don't think about it changing the makeup of the water forever. When you see the ripples, you can count them until they become too small for the eye to see, but that doesn't mean that they stop. They keep going. They affect the flow of the water forever. For water is dynamic, always changing, ever moving.

Kind of like life and self are dynamic.

When things happen, we obviously notice the immediate outcomes and responses to them. But soon after that, after the experience stops being the forefront thing on our mind we often forget.

But just because we aren't paying attention, does that mean it stops affecting us?

I think when things happen, good or bad, they effect us far more than we know and in ways we may never know.

I was sitting with a friend yesterday and we started talking of old memories. He mentioned a concert he attended years ago with a girl he dated. He talked about how he really wanted to be at the concert and how she didn't, how that night became the beginning of the end for their relationship. And it was the end of their relationship that led him to marry one of my best friends and lead him to become one of my dearest friends. Someone who always speaks truth in my life and has profoundly affected who I am.

Its things like that concert experience that have such a ripple effect in ways we don't even notice.

One experience can change our perspecitive on one and that has the power to change our lives.

I think that is why its so dangerous to look back and wish to change things in our past. Because ultimately to change one thing, is to change everything.

If I were to go back and change some of the bad, some of the less than stellar moments I've had- that would change the ripple pattern of my life and therefore change who I am today in so many ways.

I don't know if this is a blog about change or a blog about how we are all connected and we may never know the effect some actions, people, experiences really have on our lives.

All I know is that there are moments, there are ripples that seem minor, but are actually lifechanging. There are decisions that change everything. There are moments in which you don't turn back from. And whether we realize it in that moment, the next day or five years from then, the power of that moment doesn't change and the effects on us don't dissapear.

Because even if we can't see the ripples that doesn't mean they aren't there. And just because you can't see a ripple anymore, doesn't mean that it won't eventually join in with another million ripples and form a tidal wave that changes the landscape of ourselves permanently.

(and sometimes tidal waves of change disguise themselves as ripples....)

One of the worst feelings in the world is seeing an old friend and experiencing the awkward silence that happnes when you realize that you have nothing to say to someone who you once used to spend hours in conversation with...

Very similar to that is the sensation when feel yourself growing farther and farther away from yourself....

Lately, I seem to be waking up every day and finding that I am just a little bit more of a stranger to who I used to be... I think maybe the changes have been happening gradually like summer turning to autumn, and I am just now noticing the things that are different. And its pretty disorienting.

I used to be convinced and feel determined that ministry is where I am supposed to be... now I'm not so sure. I mean- I still think that above all else I'm called to walk with people through life and stand by and before people during difficult times- but I'm not sure if the position or location is right anymore. Its stopped giving me energy, challenging me, forcing me to grow. I just am in this place- and I don't think that's good. It's not a comfortable feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job. I love the people, I love my kids. I love my family I have here at the church- but something is missing. Something vital and lifegiving is missing. I don't feel as creative. I don't feel inspired. I don't feel like I'm being excellent at much of anything. I'm getting the job done- I'm being productive, I'm being efficient, I'm doing all the things I need to do- but it seems empty.

Sometimes I have so many things going that I can't be totally present at all of them- but at the end of the day- it feels like I've accomplished nothing.

I'm wondering what is changing? The situation, the location, the people are the same.... so I guess that leaves me. But where does that leave me?

I've been really struggling with this.... partly I think its boredom. I've gone from working fulltime and schooling fulltime to simply working.... and let's be honest- I'm overproductive so that I run out of work by Wednesday... and that's not good, but it is what it is.

Should I go back to school? Well I can, but eventually I'll be done with that...then what?

Part of me is terribly afraid that somewhere along the way I've taken a wrong path. I've misheard my calling. I've triend to put myself in a box because someone thought I was a good fit for it.

And I don't know how to get out of this.

I know that I have to be serving and loving people. That is what I'm good at. But how? In what areana? In what aspect?

I need discernment. I need guidence. But most of all, I need to figure out me.

Though- I have a funny feeling that as soon as I get to know me- I'll just become someone else again. Maybe that's part of the point- the core, the heart of who we are always remains- but the details, the finetuning- they are always evolving, always changing, always growing....

I know this isn't a terribly uplifting or insightful post....but its where I'm at. And where ever you go, there you are.