For those of you who know me well, it would come as no shock to you that I normally don't participate in athletic games. That whenever a group soccer, softball, or whatever game is going on, I tend to the one keeping score, encouraging from the sidelines, or tending to the wounded. If you don't know me well then let me explain I do this is for many reasons: 1. I am incredibly unathletic and am more of a handicap than an asset. 2. I am a perfectionist, so unless I'm going to be great at it, I don't want to play. and 3. I fear being laughed at or ridiculed or some other variant of those. So usually I just cheer from the sidelines avoiding all chance of injury, embarassement, or failure.
Well last night that changed. I was hanging out with some friends and they decided to play at game called "Tidball." "Tidball" is kind of a free for all game loosely based on tennis and soccer and played on a tennis course. And for some strange reason, rather than watching, I participated. I kicked, I ran, I served, I played! Of course, I fell on my butt, got scraped up, and earned some pretty amazing bruises, but I played. Not only did I play, but I didn't totally screw it all up (which I know some of you would categorize as a minor miracle). And it felt great! I love the fact that I fell on my behind and got right back up and kept playing. I loved the fact that I took the chance to serve barefoot, and while it has permantly turned my foot red, it made it over the net! And no, I wasn't perfect, but it simply felt great to play, to participate, to be involved.
I kind of feel like this is very symbolic for where I am in life right now. I feel like I am sitting on the sideline. Cheering, encouraging, tending the wounded, but never stepping out onto the field. Never taking the risks, never participating in the game. That, metaphorically, I'm afraid to run after the ball, take a chance and serve, or block a pass if it means I embarras myself. I've sort of become content to sit on the bench and watch the game play on without me. I stay in the place that is very safe and secure for me. That doesn't push me outside of my box, challenge me to go beyond what I'm comfortable with. To quote Relient K, "I"m stuck inside this rut, I fell into by mistake."
But I don't want to do that any more. Because even with the bruises and scrapes and slightly wounded ego, it felt amazing to participate and play. It felt great to go for it and risk it and try something new and different. And I want to feel that in life again. I want to laugh and cry and be scared and excited and to fall and get up again.
I want to step back out there into the game, knowing that there will be risks, and failures, and stupid mistakes, and messiness, and bruises. But there will also be laughter, and success, and happiness, and chances to grow, and healing.
I want to play again. I want to participate. I want to go after all the things I want even if I don't get them all. I want to scare myself to death with the things I decide to try. I want to really risk something. I want to do something even if it turns out to be the wrong something. I want to know I've tried. I want to live.
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